Competition

How I still wish that Scott never checked her blog. Now she's responded on his. Nothing to major but still...she responded. Why was she looking at his blog? How often has she been looking at it? Did Scott respond to it? If not, will he? If he has, will he tell me her response? See, the trust issues still linger. I've been trying to be soooo supportive of this but it's like I'm fighting a ghost that just refuses to go away, especially when Scott makes comments about how similar our intensity of anger is. It's like Scott buried her and thought that she was six feet under when in reality, she's only about 2 feet under so she can still rise up and say, "look at my blog, see my life." Now, logically, I know that I'm Scott's and that he's mine and all of that. I would have to be silly not to understand that Scott loves me, especially since we're living together. But, I think that the reality of how short this time has been for us (3 months) is finally sinking into him and it kinda scares me and probably even him. We were going to bed last night and he just kept saying that it's only been 3 months. Is it because reality has knocked him upside the head? Is it because it feels like we've been together for soooooo much longer than that? Does it really matter to him how long we've been together? Is he having second thoughts? Especially with her bad breakup? Is he just thinking more and more about her and her vulnerability? The fear of losing him to this ghost terrifies me.
One would think that after dealing with Jeremy and his ex c*%& Donna, I would have learned about dealing with guys and their recent exes. Yes, she broke Scott's heart months ago, but it was really only months ago. Yes, he has dated a couple of others between her and I but was/is he really ready for this? I've at least had a year since I moved out from Jeremy and even longer than that to deal with the fact that my husband's an ass. Yes, I dated others before Scott but I also had the time to deal with what and who I wanted. Chicago was the peak of that time. I came to an understanding that I need to make myself happy, whether it be playing with the family, or making crazy talk while baking, or just lying next to the man that I love and not live my life for no one else. This week has brought up old feelings of the need to be reassured that I'm important to someone. I can't waste my time wondering if she will start calling him again and if she does, how will Scott respond. I keep trying to have the logical side of my mind reassure me but it doesn't always work. Part of the stubborn Taurus side of me is ready for a fight. The fight for my happiness with Scott. The fight of me not losing one of the most important things to me-Scott. Scott has stated that I have an intensity to me. If I have to fight for us, he will really see how intense I can get. I have nothing against her other than she hurt the man that I love but I see how he gets when she's brought up in conversation. He shares an intensity that shows that he still has feelings lingering there, similar to the intensity that I feel when Jeremy is brought up. Feelings of hurt and of trying to understand why she did what she did. Feelings of care and sympathy which are the feelings that I can understand why they are there but hurt to know that they are there.