Reflections

Holiday seasons especially New Year's are the time to reflect on the past year and sometimes your life. For the past year, I've been thinking about where I was a year ago, 3 years ago, etc. 3 years ago, I was getting ready to get married. 1 year ago, I was out after years of screaming, crying, feelings of betrayal, and being lied to. The past year has been a year of tremendous growth for me. I've decided to get out of the vicious 4-some that I was in and agree to take care of number one-me. I found out a little bit more of who I am and what I deserve and want in life. Without that time to figure that out, I would not be able to be where I am now-with Scott, enjoying life, focusing on the positive, and focusing on my future.
Others reflect after horrible break-ups, especially about where the hell they went wrong in their life. Remember, just because you might have fallen for the wrong one, doesn't mean that you are all bad. You made a mistake. Learn from that mistake and move on. Every experience is a learning experience. Don't waste the time thinking what if, especially about former lovers who have moved on with their life.
If I didn't have the experiences that I had with Jeremy, I would never have been strong enough to move on and take care of me. I would never be able to get past the suicidal thoughts, gestures, ideations. I would never be able to love like I do. I wouldn't have been able to feel what I feel and how I feel-whatever the emotion. Jeremy taught me that I always need to concentrate on me and to never settle for whatever seems to fit at the time. That's exactly what I did with Jeremy-I settled. At the time, I was bouncing and I was sick and tired of bouncing. The good thing about that bouncing is that I learned that all it did was bring me down to a level where death was the only answer I thought I had. I knew that I had to get out. Now don't get me wrong, I still care about Jeremy but not to the point of where I need to interfere in his life or let him interfere with mine. I know that Jeremy and I will never be back to the friendship that we had when we first met-the trust is completely gone. Will the temptation to pick up the phone and call him be there? Of course, but learning what I've learned especially this past year, I know that the temptation will not be that great.
Even now, with Scott, I continue to learn. I learn love. I learn happiness. I learn patience. I learn that I am worthy of this type of love. I learn that I'm lucky to have a man in my life that loves me as much as Scott does. I learn that second chances can happen. I learn that I deserve these happy feelings. I learn how to cope with these unusual happy feelings. I learn how to handle fights differently. I'm not used to someone walking away when I'm yelling. Kinda puts me in my place and gives me time to think about what the yelling is accomplishing.
So reflecting is good and taking the time that is needed to find yourself is warrented.