Moment of silence

Coretta Scott King passed away last night. Now for those of you who don't know who she is/was...she was the widow of the great Civil Rights leader Martin Luther King (the "I Have a Dream" man). I wish their family well during this rough period. I also hope that someone as strong as these two stand up to take a fight against discrimination.

New blog created

I've decided to create a new blog: Ollie's World of Books. Check it out when you have the time or desire.

Questions

Run through my head with no end in sight
Most of them begin with why
Like Why do I have the life that I have?
Why have I faced what I've faced?
Why must I have to face what I continue to face?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why do I have tears falling down my face?
Why do certain things bother me that much?
Why does Denise have to have her phone go dead?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Things I'm looking forward to

Scott getting home (if I'm sleeping-wake me up)
Live's new album
Rent being on DVD
Live being on tour
Tarzan in May
Valentine's Day
My 30th birthday
Possibly seeing Denise this year
State Fair
March 1-new position, new position!!!!!!!
Divorce being finalized
Eventually getting out of NYC
Going back to Hawaii and Japan
Seeing Australia
Going back to the Bookmill
More quiet times with Scott
Marriage
Kids (yes, I know-scary thought)
Being healthy for more than half a day

Things I hate right now

My divorce not being finalized
My cuz being so far away
My back being scratched up by Tiger
Zeit fighting with everyone
The fact that I'm still in my position at work
Same shit different day
The living room being cold
Scott working late
There are dishes to be washed
I can't seem to lose 20 pounds
Ghosts still lurking around (and don't think it's you, there are others, many others)
Not being able to get simple answers
Not having seen Ken since June
Not having seen Rob since I don't know when
Not having seen Tracy since before she moved
Not being able to see Tricia while she's pregnant
Not getting paid for reading
Not magically having a master's degree
Not being in Hawaii
Not having a dog

Things I like right now

Dark chocolate peanut M & M's
Scott
The fact that I'm leaving my current position in 29 days
The nights that I can actually sleep throug the night
The nights when I can stay in the bed
Clay Aiken
Live
Mr. Mush when he isn't scratching up my back (ow)
Being able to breathe
not having a coughing fit
When ghosts lie in hiding
The fact that Scott has finally written something on his blog
Denise is in luv (damn girly girl)
Goldens
When Scott tells me out of the blue that he loves me
When I'm cold enough to want Scott's warmth
Zeit paying attention to me even if it's only because she wants cheese
When Suzie lies on my chest
Boots giving me her belly
The fact that Jul has outlasted everyone
Nice sunny days in the 60's like today
ACS getting scrutinized

Monday

Eh. Blah. That's how I'm feeling. I'm sitting in my office hoping that my migraine goes away. Too bad that my office suite was about 100 degrees when I came in today and I have no AC-just this annoying fan. Last night, I had a rather fun (note sarcasm) coughing fit thanks to the dust of the cat litter. I was probably coughing for over an hour and my chest is still hurting this morning. I actually thought that I should have taken a trip to the ER since I was having trouble breathing in the process. But finally it subsided and I tried to sleep. Keyword: tried. I tossed and turned due to it being so hot and trying not to kick Suzie who decided to lie at my feet. Then Scott came to bed and he radiates so much heat-most of the time it's welcomed but not last night/this morning. I ended sleeping on the cramped love seat where it was cooler but never really went back to sleep. So I'm tired, have a migraine and chest pain. Wonderful. So Eh. And Blah to Monday.

Dream

"The World According to Ollie" movie? That's exactly what I dreamt this morning sometime before 2am-6am. It was fairly interesting and I woke up laughing to myself. There were no huge named stars and I remember saying "No Taye? No Denzel?" I didn't get to see who played Scott, Jeremy, Denise, or myself but there were several other known actors that played important parts. Now I'm wondering what this means. Some theorists will claim that it is a subconscious desire for me to have my life as a movie-I doubt it. Even though several people have told me that I should write a book about my life and it certainly has had it's interesting moments.

Hoping

I hope that you understand that there is more to you than your looks.
I fell in love with all of you
Your intellect
Your humor
Your generous way
Your wanting to help others
Your love for games
Your openiness
Your family
Your acceptiness
Your desires
Your pasts
Your understanding
Your compassion
Your passion
And yes, your sexy brown eyes
Your wavy brown hair
Your warm caressing arms
Please just understand that I like saying you're cute and that I love you for everything that you are and want to be

What will they sell next?

bunny

Just for Cathy

How's the movements?

Wednesday

I'm home sick with the flu. And I'm miserable. At least I have the kids to keep me company. As for City and State news, the Administration for Children's Services (ACS) is finally getting a overhaul-something that should have been done years ago. All because of the death of a 7-year old girl. This girl was tortured by her mother and step-father and finally the state law is on the position to have a major punishment change. Currently, parents and guardians have a fairly light jail sentence if they are found convicted. Now government wants to change it to a life sentence. My question is why wasn't this already in place? A child is dead-by murder, manslaughter, accidental death, whatever. Why is it if the parent is somehow involved that the parent was not charged the same as a murderer of a stranger? Now back to the changes in ACS. Mayor and his officials have finally seen that ACS workers have way too many cases to cover and have been known to let some kids fall through the cracks. So that means more supervisors, more caseworkers, and, what I think is a great idea, retired cops/detectives to assist ACS workers in working the police (and likewise). Several years ago, I was an adoption and group home caseworker and felt that my colleagues in ACS were way too overworked. I knew that I was overworked carrying up to 88 children at one point so I knew that the ACS workers were worse. It will be interesting to see how well the changes work or if they do at all.

Sick yet again

Having the flu sucks

Goodbye

Goodbye Frederica

Yet another Monday

Amazingly, I was able to get up and workout this morning. I really am missing my past gym membership. I'm sure that at some point, I'll be looking into it again-sooner than later. I'm soooo tired and not fully sure why. I slept okay despite my awful dream that I had this morning. I fell asleep on the train ride coming into work, which usually never happens. I blame it on the fact that my coffee pot decided to rebel against the basket filters (it's a cone-shaped filter) and let the grounds into the pot. So now I'm at work, not wanting to do anything that I need to do. At least I've got Aida to keep me awake.

Test your knowledge

Mensa

Things getting back to normal

Scott and I finally got to spend some quality time last night. We met for a date! We went to a great Indian restaurant called Joy. Now this was the first time that I had Indian food and I'm a fan now. Just in order to not screw up the name, I'm not going to tell you what I ate! Scott had chicken korma which was also tasty. We shared some great garlic naan. We then headed to Union Square for our movie portion of our date. We saw Hoodwinked which was cute and had some laughs in it. Scott laughed out loud several times. We then came home and basically went to bed. Today I headed off to the Heights for breakfast at the same restaurant that Scott and I had our first date and after stopping to pet some beautiful golden retrievers, I headed to the American Museum of Natural History to enjoy the butterfly exhibit (one landed on my head) and the Darwin exhibit. I was supposed to be meeting up with Jeremy but alas, he didn't answer his cell phone. No big surprise there. Just no murder in Brooklyn today. Scott, meanwhile, is gaming in Manhattan. Hope that he's having fun. I almost stopped down there to surprise him but I figured I would take advantage and relax. Maybe even work on his Valentine's Day present.

Pathetic

I guess I'm just a pathetic person who seems to have too many needs that need to be addressed. When I get stressed out or upset, I like to vent and discuss options with someone who cares and listens. Usually I talk with Denise when I'm upset. I also talk with Scott who is usually more available. It's hard for me to keep my feelings to myself and when I feel that I'm not getting the attention that I need and deserve, I tend to get even more upset, especially when I've already let that person know that I need to talk. I guess that I'll have to start finding a different avenue to vent my feelings because it seems that what I thought was working isn't anymore.

Loved?

Am I meant to be loved the way I think I deserve?
Do I ask for that much?
A simple check-in when I'm upset
A flower every once in a while
A simple hug and kiss
A simple how are you or how was your day
What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot get simple things?
People then wonder why when I need something or someone, I don't speak up.
I give and give and give or at least try to
And where has it gotten me in the past?
In a broken marriage
A life full of trying hard to trust
Depression
Suicide
ER visits
Anger
Misery
But yet I still continue to try to give myself
In hope of getting the love that I think I deserve
What to do now?

Feelings

Hatred runs through my veins
Fuck you
You dare question why I want what I want
Fuck you
You once again fail to do what you said you were going to do
Fuck you
Now we're meeting after so many months
All I want to say to you is fuck you
How dare you
You claim you care
Fuck you
You have taken my trust and thrown it out the window
Fuck you
You made the choice to be with a cunt
Fuck you
She doesn't know what love is
Fuck you
You have helped build up more walls
Fuck you
It's your fault I'm now what I am...can hardly trust others
Fuck you
Can't fully appreciate what is going on now
Fuck you
Can't fully enjoy what is there now
Fuck you
Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you

Depression

Slowly sinking in
Not feeling in despair.....yet
Feeling like I'm in a row boat in the middle of the ocean
No land in site
By myself
Alone
Wondering how I'm going to make it home
Wondering if I should even attempt to make it home
Wondering what will be there if I do make it home
Just rolling up and down on the waves
Loneliness settling in

disconnected

games being played
feeling of loneliness
feelings of uneasiness increases
loving too much
pushing away
increase stress
cannot even speak
after weekend, reassurances needed
reconnectiness needed
but cannot receive

pain

MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being blindsighted

Doubts are expected but to hear what was said...To think that all of it was for nothing...Feelings of what the hell is wrong with oneself...Feelings of why again...Feelings of it not being worth it...Knowing that capability is there...Questioning if want is truly there...Needing reassurances...Hating the need for reassurances...Not knowing if coming or going

Work

Well, it's official. I'll be leaving my current position come March 1. I also found out that I'll be having to take at least a 2 hour commute to my training office until I can take over my own. I've been informed that there is some bickering between City and State to agree on how it should be run. Should be interesting to see which governmental agency wins out. Just should be an overall interesting experience. Hopefully my health will cooperate.

Goodbye

It was nice for the short time that I had you. Nice and lacy with you're little red bow in the center. You've done your best to support me. You certainly have helped catch the eyes of some men for that I thank you. Unfortunately, I have to let you go as you become more unraveled.

blah

As much as I've loved having a long weekend with Scott, my physical health is taking it's toll. I'm sitting here with my head pounding and my stomach going from side to side. Now I just wish I could feel better. Well at least Don's here right now so it's dinnertime. Here's to hoping that the food doesn't make it's way back up after it goes down.

Another lazy day

Scott and I were supposed to head to CT today and help celebrate Scott's nephew's first birthday but since Scott still feels yucky, we're not going. And I'm not feeling great either. Gotta love it when my asthma/bronchotis acts up. I was cleaning the rabbit cages and it started. Surprisingly, I was coughing up my lungs for about an hour and someone never asked me if I was okay. Then in the middle of the night, I started coughing again. It was so bad, I had to leave the bedroom in order to let Scott sleep. Then again this morning. Argh. So who knows what Scott and I will be doing today other than watching some football and trying to recover. Too bad it freakin snowed last night. I really want a #2.

Frustrations

lead to hurt
lead to misunderstandings
lead to tears
lead to feelings of unworthiness
lead to wanting nothing to do with the other
lead to feelings of forget the do onto others rule because obviously it's already been forgotten
lead to no talking
lead to no touching
lead to loneliness

Mugshots anyone? (thanks Denise)

# 1

#2

#3

How true

Top 5 most obnoxious straphangers - by Christine Visich

Clippers: People who clip their fingernails on the subway.
Pole huggers: People who lean their whole body on the pole even though other riders are subway surfing.
Straddlers: Men who block the seats on either side of them because their legs are spread wide apart. *
Rappers: People who use the subway and its riders as an audience for their non-existent hip-hop careers.
Idlers: You rush to grab an empty seat, but some tourist or idiot is walking so slow in front of you that he blocks your target and someone else gets the seat.

* why oh why?

-from the www.thesubwaychronicles.com

Ho hum

Another day, another dollar. Almost the same old shit, different day. Almost. I'm slowly feeling better but Scott seems to be feeling worse every day. We keep trading illnesses with each other. I do have to say that last night listening to him play a wargame with his friend, Matt, was kinda sexy. He had a nice deep raspy male voice going. Of course, he'll think that I'm completely off my rocker but that's okay. At least he knows that I'm attracted to him, even when he's sick.

just some info about me

WELCOME TO THE 2005 EDITION OF GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FRIENDS.

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 3:30am
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? Diamonds
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Rent
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE T. V. SHOW? Survivor
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? haven't eaten yet but it will be a grapefruit and WW oatmeal with raisins
6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Lyn
7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Mexican
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? tomatoes
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? depends on mood
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? Hotshot by Shaggy (at least that's what I'm listening to right now)
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? no car
12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? roasted chicken from Subway
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? untrustworthiness (is that a word)
14. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? Scott's sweats
15. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Australia
16. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? White
17. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? Ny and Company
18. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? Ocean with mountains
19. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? freshman year in college
20. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? NFL
24. GOAL YOU HAVE FOR YOURSELF? Lose 20 pounds, get some writing published
25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? May 11
26. WHEN IS YOUR ANNIVERSARY? Anniversary of what? Marriage? let's forget it. Being with Scott? August 18th (first date) August 21st (officially together). Work? 9/17/01
27. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? morning
29. PETS: black cat #1-Zeit, black cat #2-Suzie, tabby #1-Tiger, tabby #2 Boots, 2 mini lop bunnies-Fred and Jul
30. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE? I is in luv
31. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? marine biologist
32. WHAT ARE YOU TODAY? social worker (yuck)
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? chocolate works
34. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? lilacs
35. WHAT IS A DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? April 11, Feb 21, Feb 14th, May 11, whatever date my divorce is final
36. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN? Japan
37. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? crafting
38. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE WORD? fuck

A mushy gushy lovey dovey moment

As I was walking from the subway to my job, I thought about how lucky I am to be with Scott. After several years of thinking that nothing could be better than the situations that I was getting into, I can now see what love is and what it means to me. Until I had a little soul searching last May and understood that I needed to go out and see what else was available to me could I see. So I did and found Scott. It's hard for me to imagine where I was even a year ago, I've changed so much. I now am happy. A huge concept that I still have trouble grasping. I now want to do things for Scott just because I love him. I look at him and I fall in love with him all over again. I just sit there with him lounging on the couch and it's perfect. Scott isn't perfect (like anyone is) and his imperfections add to his personality and the reasons why I love him. I can honestly say that I haven't loved anyone like I love Scott. Not Jeremy. Not Ken. Not Erik. Now the fears of loving too intensely come sneaking up. These fears are more about pushing Scott away because of how much I love him. I try to keep some of that love wrapped up only because in the past, I've been burned so many times. Lucky for me, Scott has appreciated my love and doesn't seem to take it for granted. He isn't afraid to show me affection. He isn't afraid to show me love. And for that I'm so grateful. I can see the love that he has for me, something that a year ago, I wouldn't have been ready for and wouldn't have been able to see.

Have fun with the kitty

kitty

I just have to say

That my boyfriend is so cute!!!!!!

eh

I'm slowly feeling better from my latest bout of illness. Who knows what will come next. Scott and I were supposed to go out last night but due to my illness, we never made it. Maybe we can play some games tonight. I guess I should now do some work especially since I have to meet with my supervisor today. Oh fun.

come out come out where ever you are

I've noticed that someone was on my blogsite for about 45 minutes the other night from Brooklyn. I'm very curious to see who this is, especially if it's one of 3 people. So make yourself known. Don't be shy.

Hate mondays

The only good thing that has happened today is that I got seen by a doctor. But did she know what was wrong? Nope-gave me prescriptions for lots of medication. One, my union insurance does not cover. Another one on backorder. Good thing, is that, hopefully, what I have won't kill me. I have enough of other things that will do the job. And the last one was able to be filled but I had to wait in a line for what seemed like forever. Ever since the transit strike, I try to not keep an eye on the time while I wait so I have no idea really how long I was in line. So I'm on my way home, grabbed the express and sure enough, we're stopped on the bridge and then rerouted. So I have to get off the damn train, the only one that was rerouted by the way, to jump onto a local which was crowded and where no one seems to understand what standing still and giving some room to their fellow passengers mean. Fucking goddamn NYC people! No sorrys. No excuse mes. No signs of any type of consideration. And people wonder why the hell I get so bitchy sometimes. And then others wonder why I work the hours that I work.

Well, it's another Monday

And I'm sitting in my office wondering where should I begin to start my workday? I've already gone through my usual weekday morning website looking and now I'm trying to figure out on which aspect of my job I should start on. I have a few options and I figure that I'll choose the easiest before I head over to my doctor's to see what the hell I have going on inside my head.

Miracle

After 5 months, Zeit has finally taken it upon herself to come over and lie on my lap. She was half asleep and purring away as we rested until Scott messaged me on my cell and I had to move her to get the phone.

disappointment

I just came back from my WW meeting and I'm thoroughly disappointed with my self. For the last 2 weeks, I've been gaining weight back. I get to a point of where I don't know why I'm trying or how to go about it anymore. I think that I'm going okay and then I weigh in and fail once again. Last week, I could use the excuse of the it was over 2 weeks that I had gained the weight. I don't have an excuse this week other than I failed. Good ole failure! Yippee

sick again

What is it with me getting sick all of the time? Ever since I really started losing weight, my body has revolted and screamed that it wants the fat to stay there. Since losing the initial weight, I've been more sick than I have ever been in my life. I used to have perfect attendance at work until this weight loss. Anyone out there have any ideas why this is?

April 11

cannot come quick enough for me. That's when one of my favorite bands, Live, releases their new album. You can listen to their new single which will be released January 31 on radio on their website. I cannot wait for them to go back on tour in the US. I'm planning on going and hope that Scott will join me. It will only be about the 6th or 7th time I've seen them in concert.

On writing

I was going through my Writer's Market 2006 book that I got from Amazon last night and I'm really starting to get motivated on my writing. Now I have several ideas running through my head of what I could and can write about. I just have to get it on paper and let my proofer review it. Too bad my full-time job is getting in the way!

1st Day back to work

Well after having a bad morning at home before I went into work, I was dreading the worst. But it turned out not to be that bad, especially since part of my Amazon.com order had arrived and it contained what I was realy looking forward to-books on where I can send articles and get literary agents. So guess what I'm doing tonight while Scott's away playing games? I actually also got a lot done but of course there is always on coworker that is on my shit list. Can't wait to speak with her tomorrow about the case that was just transferred over to her. God save me from throttling her. Just 2 more months. 2 more months. That's how much time I really have left in my current position before I go to my new one. I, at least, get to choose which borough I want to work in. I have reasons why I want to go to Brooklyn (close to home, not as long of a commute, freedom from the main office, etc). I definitely have one main reason not to go....the woman who has no respect for marriages. She's in the same field as me and even though I won't have too much direct interactions with her, I'll have enough that I'll want to kill her. Well, maybe not kill but definitely maim. So decisions need to made and I need to convince the big guy (chief of my division) that I deserve to become supervisor and not stay as a social worker. So now it's time to relax with Mr. Mush who is currently sitting on the mail next to me on the couch and figure out what I need to do tonight.

Last Day of Vacation

Sigh...my nice long break from work is almost over. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and it's going to be very difficult for me to do it. For one, I'm getting up earlier than I normally do to work out. For two, I'm just so burned out at my current position that it makes it difficult for me to actually do my work. For three, I should be learning about the new position that I'll be doing and seeing exactly where I'll fit in for the new program that I had helped my agency win.
So the plan for today is....well, I've already worked out and showered. So, relax, watch some Law and Order, do some crafts, probably unload some CDs and DVDs if I can ever find the DVDs into the new shelves that my manly man put together. And then cook dinner for Scott and I and relax with him (maybe play that racing game?)

Survival

I've made it through another holiday season. And I have to say that this is one of the better ones despite evil pasts raising their ugly heads. I have to thank Scott for helping me through this rough time. I know that it wasn't easy for him not to be with his family on Christmas and for him not to be with several others for New Year's. I appreciate the sacrifaces (even though he won't call them that) that he has done in order for me to see my family on Christmas and to be there when others wanted to try to ruin my holidays. I have a good feeling that this year will be a good one especially when the divorce is completed. I know that I will be better to myself and hopefully better to Scott.