Saturday, December 31, 2005



For the last few years I had decided not to make any New Year's resolutions. Mostly because I'm not as hard on myself as I should be sometimes to actually follow through on them. It also leads to disappointment in myself which, at times, I cannot emotionally deal with it. So I tell myself that there are things that I will try to do. This year they are much of the same that I've done in the past. And sometimes it's worked out and sometimes it hasn't. As long as I know that I tried to do better for myself, that's all that matters in my book. I basically want to get on track with my weight. I would love for this year to be the year that I made my goal. Just make it. Not even necessarily maintain it. I know that I can do it. I've been that close in the past but then life wanted to reel it's ugly head and credit card companies wanted their money so I couldn't afford my gym membership anymore. So this year, I'm going to make a point of getting up earlier and work out at home and then get ready for work. The neighbors might not appreciate it but you know what, it's for me and they tend to have little respect for their neighbors when they decide to blast their music all hours of the night. I'm going to try to make all of my WW meetings. At least I'll have a monitoring system reestablished which is something I need. As for emotionally well being, I'm going to try to not let stupid tourists and others get on my nerves like they have in the past. This is going to probably be the hardest for me to do. I sometimes have no patience tolerance. But I do know that I have a better piece of mind in my life and know that it will probably only bite me in the ass in the long run. I'm also going to work on making sure that Scott and I survive any sort of trouble that comes our way. I know that communication is key and I'm going to try to let him in, especially when I need it, which is another thing that is not easy for me to do thanks to Jeremy and others. I've had walls built up for so long that it is hard for them to come down brick by brick but Scott is that important to me. I'm also going to talk with my crackhead cuz just because I can't imagine not talking with her daily and when we don't speak, it feels strange so Denise, let's keep those text messages coming! As for work, I just found out that my agency got the big purposal/contract that we were fighting for so my job will be changing. That should be interesting. I just to need to stay focused with work and do what I need to do. I'm also going to try to get some writing published, even if it is just a poem or something simple like that. I'm also going to be more crafty and get my projects accomplished. So Happy New Year to everyone and if you make resolutions, I hope that you are able to accomplish at least one of them this year.

Friday, December 30, 2005


are good. No wonder cats take so many


Are you thinking about what happened 3 years ago?
Do you have regrets?
3 years ago, did you imagine this is where we would be?
Why did you lie?
Why did you betray?
Why did you end up being the worst thing for me when I thought that you were the best?
Are you missing me?
Are you caring?
Will you ever fully understand the pain that you have put me through?
Your stupid fucking choices!
Never giving US a fair chance.
How much thinking will you be doing tomorrow?
Are you going to have the nerve to try to contact me?
Hopefully you've learned that I want nothing to do with you
Nothing to do with the hurt and pain you've caused
I'm trying to be happy
I've moved on in my life
I found someone who genuinely cares about me
Someone who wouldn't lie to me like you did
Someone who wouldn't go behind my back and break promises like you have
You made the choice to be with the cunt
Now live with it
There is no more of you and me
You made that very easy by your lack of communication
Shouldn't be shocking because 3 years ago you stopped communicating with me
You thought that your fucking past would never come back to bite you on your fat lazy ass
Guess again
We never should have said the vows
Especially when I knew you lied and continued to lie
Did you honestly think that I would let it go?
After I sacrifaced my piece of mind for you?
How stupid can you really be?
Let me answer that....VERY
I tried looking out for you
Not anymore
You're too lazy
Too stupid to look out for yourself
You don't want to rock the boat
Maybe you should have come clean when it first happened and then things would have been different
I doubt it though looking at things in hindsight.
I never would have gotten to know what real love feels like
To know what happiness is
To know that I deserve happiness and love
So thank you for giving me that
Thank you for being the ass that you are and having your actions show me what I deserve

Thursday, December 29, 2005

It's amazing how good moods can change in a matter of seconds

Almost nothing is better than....

having Tiger aka Mr. Mush sitting on the couch next to you.

What's better you ask? Having the man that you love and care about sitting next to you.

Last night

Yes! I got my sushi rolls (spicy tuna and California) and Scott got his curry rice. Good food, good company! And I got some shopping done before that. Got some new oils (most on sale) for the oil burner that Scott's mother got me for Christmas from The Body Shop and got the Ann Rule volume 10 paperback book from Barnes and Nobles. Now I need to remember to get the Writer's Market book with my Border's gift card that my brother gave me for Christmas. And what did I do when we got home-poker!!!


Talk about having some erotic dreams last night/this morning! Wow! And they were all with Scott-double bonus for me! Not no stupid fantasy sex with some big named star or the phantom face-all clearly with Scott.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


I'm finally seeing some new progress being made on a needlepoint project that I'm making for my aunt. It's hot air balloon related and I've been working on it for years. I've made a determination (resolution?) that I need to work on my needlepoint, cross stitch, friendship bracelet and my latch hook projects every day. If it's on strand or 5 rows being done a day, it will be something. So Scott and Denise-bug away! :-) I need this especially if I'm going to create some sort of business based on my friendship bracelets/bookmarks for those of you from Weekly Reads that have received them as rewards.


Pretty sad when you have to keep checking to see what day it is. But wait, I'm on vacation so it's okay!
Let's see, I've already worked out (yea, the VCR/DVD is set up), took a shower, and just finished my breakfast (Special K fruit and yogurt). Now I think I'm going to work on some more progress notes and watch some Law and Order: Season 1. Then it will be off to Sears and Petlands. Tonight Scott and I are supposed to be meeting up with his friends, Kim and Oly for some Japanese food (yummy-sushi here I come or chichen teriyaki or...) We might go to the movies-not sure what we're going to see yet. It also depends on how Scott feels tonight.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


As much as I love having time to myself, I can see myself getting bored soon enough. Today I actually worked on some progress notes until Scott's notebook decided to not let me attempt to save my work and freeze and just basically tell me to shut it down. Gotta love technology. But hey, I did get some vacuuming done and also did some needlepoint work. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Probably a trip to Petlands for the kids and maybe Sears for myself.
Too bad Scott's sick.

Back to the Big Apple

Scott and I made it through our first Christmas together. We made it up to my parents' on Friday with no MAJOR incidents. There was this petite woman who was standing in front of us that was letting people cut in front of her and the hundred people behind her. I had to tell one family that there was a line and they moved with no attitude. This "woman" asked me if I wanted to get in front of her to "police" everyone else. I kindly told her no and figured that she saw that people behind her didn't want people cutting in front of her, she would have learned her damn lesson. Nope, she let a woman in front of her and then started going on about Christmas spirit and the strike being over. Well, she's lucky I didn't pick up her size 2 body and chuck her across Penn Station. Even Scott was surprised that I didn't lash out. Well, when they were loading up the train, several people tried and some succeeded to cut in but what was funny is that people behind Scott and I stated that they would "police" and kept telling people that there was a line. It was funny. So thank you to that woman behind us getting the last word in.
Train ride was uneventful. We both read and slept. We were picked up by my mother and went off to Bruggers to get the dozen bagels and cream cheese. Yummy!!! Then we went home. We had Cam's for dinner-man have I missed those wings. Saturday we made it out to Crazy Egor's-a well known game store that Scott has been wanting to go to. Now, my father rarely plays games. I mean almost absolutely never. He's game, yes singular, is Euchre. So to see my father take us to this game store was interesting. Scott was like a little kid in a candy store. He went straight to the war games and started looking for stuff for Matt and himself. He did very well in there-probably because he knew that we were on a time schedule. He managed to come out with about 5 or 6 games. We then went to Annie and Bob's to pay them a short visit. Annie's changed a little bit-actually talking about getting rid of her cats-one that she's had for 12 years. Then it was to home for stuffed shells. Another yummy. Can't forget the Christmas cookies that Mom made too. Date nut pinwheels, sugar cookies, Pecan logs, and Chocolate Cherry drops. All delicious.
Sunday was Christmas. Scott and I opened our stockings. Santa had sent me on a special mission to get stuff for Scott's stocking and I, being the little Elf, had fun doing it. We waited for my brother to arrive and then had Christmas. Scott surprised me with a Syracuse Donovan McNabb Jersey-totally rocks! He also got me my favorite player, Bryan Cox and one of my favorite PC games-Dungeon Keeper. Now I need to set up my computer!!! Overall a good morning. Still a little disappointed with my brother but hey, that's what happens when he waits until the last minute to do his shopping. A Miami Dolphins belt????
Yesterday we came home. The train was late-not as late as it has been in the past and it would have been fine with the exception of this family from Chicago. One kid kept stating that she was bored-she was lucky, especially when she woke me up, that I didn't give her a better reason to be bored. Their guardian seemed a little off mentally and that bothered me too. Luckily for Scott, he was playing with his PSP and had his headphones on so he didn't have to listen to the crap.
Last night, Scott set up our new entertainment center and it looks really nice. Unfortunately, Scott did this all being sick and this morning he still isn't feeling well.
Now for my vacation!!!!!


It was nice while it lasted

Friday, December 23, 2005


Well the strike is over and Scott and I will be heading to Ontario this morning. Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Day #3 of the damned transit strike

Well, yesterday it took me 4 hours to get to work and 3.5 to get home. Hopefully today will be a little bit better. At least I'll be in a car and not walking. Yesterday on the way home, my foot started hurting. Luckily Scott's carpool met up with me so I didn't have to walk 4 miles home.
So tonight is packing and making cookies. And hoping that this strike ends so Scott and I won't have problems getting to Penn Station.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


It's official

I hate people. I hate the cold. I hate transit unions (my union is fine).
This is all because it took me 4 hours to get to work when normally it takes me 1. Now I have a headache. My hand hurts.
Luckily there is talk about setting up express subway service because there are about 100-200 people that want to cross the picket line. I'll like those people.

New challenge

Now I have to find a creative way to work since the damn TWU president doesn't want his union to work. Hope that he can afford the fines that are coming. So I think that I have a few options. One is to hop with Scott's carpool and get a ride on LIRR into Manhattan and then take my hospital's jitney between hospitals. Two is to walk to the nearest LIRR station. The main question is which LIRR station. Either way I'm about to spend $28 compared to my weekly MetroCard of $24. This just sucks. And this all better end before Friday morning. That's when Scott and I are scheduled to head up to Ontario.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Damned Strike

As of 3am today, the union for the transit workers had decided to go on strike since there was no agreement to a contract at midnight. Now the last strike was 25 years ago. I was only 4 and living in my own little world up in Ontario, NY. Now I'm faced with the same crap as those people were. Unfortunately for me, it's December and with a 10 degree windchill. The last strike was in April. My job involved me going around Manhattan doing home visits. Looks like I'm doing my visits and not going to the office. Hopefully this strike will not last long and certainly be over by Friday morning when Scott and I leave to go my parents.
Now for the politics. The union is asking for raises and better pension, health benefits, etc for their new members. All of it understandable. All of it warranted. Should the MTA provide most if not all of their requests? Yes, within reason. The latest deal consists of a 3, 4, 3.5 % raises for the next 3 years and willingness to compromise on the other benefits which was much better than what was being offered last Friday when the first strike was threatened.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Results from Christmas in CT

Despite me being sick most of Saturday, I ended up having a good time at Scott's mother's home with her family (about 30 people in total). Watched some football, ate some decent catered Italian food, and opened some presents. Scott's mother and stepfather gave met the 3rd Season of Oz and and oil burner with some oils. I'm surprised that I didn't set it up last night when Scott and I got home. Then Saturday night, Scott and I went to see his brother Marc sing along with Scott's brother-in-law perform (he's a drummer). I've heard Marc's songs on his site and have been impressed so I was looking forward to hearing him sing and he didn't disappoint. He and his friend Mike did some covers along with their own songs. Then it was off to spend the night at Scott's father's. Sunday we went to an excellent brunch with the siblings and then back to Vic's to open up gifts. I received some great stuff, like the Rent movie soundtrack which didn't take me long to open it up this morning and play it (thank you Scott). I also got The Collection by Alanis Morrissette and Wildflower by Sheryl Crow. Scott gave me At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks (one of my favorite authors). I got the first season of Fame, Crash, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and 2 Harry Potter movies. I also got my first Playstation 2 game-World Poker Tour from Scott. Then Scott and I came home. So overall a good weekend after a bad start. Now it's back to work until my vacation!!!


24 hours and counting

Saturday, December 17, 2005

So now I have deal with my fat issues by myself once again. No support. You laugh and hurt my feelings. Do you tell me how I look? Nope. Instead you have sat in bed telling me about others. We sit and watch television and say who is pretty and who isn't. So do I hear how you feel? Nope. Sure maybe by body language. But there are times when the words are much more important. This is one of those times. I tell you almost everyday how cute or sexy I think you are. Do I hear the same? No. I even tell you that you don't tell me those things and what do you do? Absolutely nothing. No response. Nothing. I've asked you time and time again to show some sort of acknowledgement that you heard me. So now, I'm up, hurt, and upset because nothing gets resolved other than you fall asleep.
The good thing is that you have only reinforced what I know. I need to continue to make myself number one. I need to reassure myself because obviously, I'm not going to hear it from you and I'm not going to rely on your actions anymore. You think that I'm pretty, you think that I'm beautiful, then tell me. Have the words match your actions. Do not just lie there silent when you know that I'm upset.
You eventually tell me that you're proud of my weightloss from the past week. Then remember and tell me instead of me bringing it up. You tell me that you can't do it. Yes you can. When you are ready and willing to do it for yourself. And when you are, if ever, I'll be right there by your side, cheering you on and assisting you when you want it.
But for now, I'm back to being on my own. This is only going to make me a stronger person. I can see that I'm not always going to be able to count on others to support me, even when I need it. So thank you for that. Something that I thought had changed, I guess hasn't, so thank you.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Christmas in Connecticut

Tomorrow Scott and I are off to spend Christmas with his family as he is going to my parents' home for Christmas. I'm looking forward to seeing his family again but at the same time, I know I'm going to have feelings of guilt. This will be the first Christmas that Scott will not be with his family. Even though he made the decision last year that this year he would not necessarily be with his family for Christmas this year, I still feel a little uneasy. I've had a few Christmas's away from my family and I know that it isn't easy to be gone for the first one. I know that his family doesn't fully want to accept that Scott will not be there on the 25th and I hope that they don't add to my feelings of guilt. At Thanksgiving, Scott's father showed that he was upset that Scott wouldn't be home, and I felt horrible. Now I know that Scott made the decision, especially after I stated how important it was for me to be home for Christmas since I hadn't been there last year, but I still feel bad. I think that overall this weekend will be fun and that my feelings will probably be slightly unreasonable.

Friday Part Deux

Well, my Friday keeps getting better. I lost 5 pounds for my first week at WW. Yippee!!! 20 more to go! Too bad my back is still hurting. I even participated in the group-something I normally don't do since I can't stand this leader.
So now, I'm home, watching Dexter and wanting Scott to be home with me.


Well with my back out of whack (thank you, Scott) and the initial threat of a transit strike over, I'm having a pretty good day. I have no deep emotional things to write about as of now. Just that I'm happy that I've moved on with my life and found Scott. I never thought that I could be this happy or even deserve to be this happy. So thank you Scott for winking back and entering my life. Hard to believe that it's been such a short time since we met and I have absolutely no regrets of where our lives are headed. I love you.

Thursday, December 15, 2005


I'm sitting here watching the top 10 beaches of the world on the Travel Channel. I now am really craving some nice warm sand especially with this damn New York cold and wind. Oh Scott, when's your next vacation?!?!?!?

Why can't they just leave things alone?

Why oh why is the NAACP bothering with Donovan McNabb? From what I read this morning, it was something to do with the style of his play. Let the man recover from his surgery and let him focus on next year's season. Donovan is one of the nice guys out there in the NFL. He doesn't run his mouth like one of his former teammates. He tries his best for his community, team, and family. I've had the pleasure of watching him at Syracuse University when he played basketball along with football. Donovan is a true teammate and leader. Is it because he is one of the nice guys that he was booed when he was picked up in the draft? Is it because he is one of the nice guys that the NAACP now after him? Just pure utter annoyance!


(in no particular order)
Chocolate-peanut butter-oatmeal cookies


It's cold. Very cold and I hate it!!!!! Now I shall picture myself sitting on a nice sandy beach in Maui. That's better-slowly warming up now.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


It's something that should be cherished. Something that should be held sacred. Because of that, I'm gonna stop looking. Stop looking at the mystery of the past. Stop trying to understand why and who. All I can ask is that the past stops looking also. There is nothing here to understand. Nothing for the past to grasp their hands on. The past made it the past. Let the present and future work together and move on with their lives.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


Holiday seasons especially New Year's are the time to reflect on the past year and sometimes your life. For the past year, I've been thinking about where I was a year ago, 3 years ago, etc. 3 years ago, I was getting ready to get married. 1 year ago, I was out after years of screaming, crying, feelings of betrayal, and being lied to. The past year has been a year of tremendous growth for me. I've decided to get out of the vicious 4-some that I was in and agree to take care of number one-me. I found out a little bit more of who I am and what I deserve and want in life. Without that time to figure that out, I would not be able to be where I am now-with Scott, enjoying life, focusing on the positive, and focusing on my future.
Others reflect after horrible break-ups, especially about where the hell they went wrong in their life. Remember, just because you might have fallen for the wrong one, doesn't mean that you are all bad. You made a mistake. Learn from that mistake and move on. Every experience is a learning experience. Don't waste the time thinking what if, especially about former lovers who have moved on with their life.
If I didn't have the experiences that I had with Jeremy, I would never have been strong enough to move on and take care of me. I would never be able to get past the suicidal thoughts, gestures, ideations. I would never be able to love like I do. I wouldn't have been able to feel what I feel and how I feel-whatever the emotion. Jeremy taught me that I always need to concentrate on me and to never settle for whatever seems to fit at the time. That's exactly what I did with Jeremy-I settled. At the time, I was bouncing and I was sick and tired of bouncing. The good thing about that bouncing is that I learned that all it did was bring me down to a level where death was the only answer I thought I had. I knew that I had to get out. Now don't get me wrong, I still care about Jeremy but not to the point of where I need to interfere in his life or let him interfere with mine. I know that Jeremy and I will never be back to the friendship that we had when we first met-the trust is completely gone. Will the temptation to pick up the phone and call him be there? Of course, but learning what I've learned especially this past year, I know that the temptation will not be that great.
Even now, with Scott, I continue to learn. I learn love. I learn happiness. I learn patience. I learn that I am worthy of this type of love. I learn that I'm lucky to have a man in my life that loves me as much as Scott does. I learn that second chances can happen. I learn that I deserve these happy feelings. I learn how to cope with these unusual happy feelings. I learn how to handle fights differently. I'm not used to someone walking away when I'm yelling. Kinda puts me in my place and gives me time to think about what the yelling is accomplishing.
So reflecting is good and taking the time that is needed to find yourself is warrented.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Woo hoo on a Monday of all days

Well, I didn't get to watch football yesterday because Scott and I went to his friends' Kevin and Clarisa to play games. I had a good time playing Royal Turf (which I won) and Daytona 500 (vroom vroom). When Scott and I came home, we immediately turned on ESPN and checked football highlights. I thought that in our fantasy league I was going to lose to the one opponent who I've actually been beating the whole season. But to my wonderful surprise this morning as I checked the scores, I'm kicking his ass....once again. so Woo Hoo!!!!! Poor Conrad. Just can't seem to beat the big loser of the league. Oh and Scott won his match-up too.
Of course, it's Monday and back to work. It's already been an interesting morning. I get to the building and the alarm is going off and that was 2 hours ago. Luckily I have Howard on and can't hear the alarm from my office. I can only hope that they are actually letting others in the building and that they haven't forgotten about me if they aren't.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Talk about being an idiot

Well, 2 cans of baked beans decided to take a suicide jump from the cupboard but unfortunately for them, my right foot saved their precious tin lives. Unfortunately for me, my right foot swelled up and I couldn't put any weight on it. Unfortunately for Scott, this happened right before I was going to start dinner and he ended up making it (and doing a great job). Maybe kharma was getting me back for getting upset with Scott earlier in the day. Luckily for me, my foot is doing much better and I don't think that it's broken. Luckily for me, Scott and I mended our wounds yesterday and continue to focus on the present and future.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

All I can say is...

morning sex is great :-)

Friday, December 09, 2005

Being mushy

For some reason, I've been feeling very mushy gushy today. Maybe, it's because I'm feeling connected with Scott. Maybe it's because I know that I'm in a much better place in my life now. Maybe it's because I just had some good sex with Scott and gave him a lot of individual attention last night. Maybe it's because I know certain people have been checking up on my life. Whatever the case might be, I know that Scott and I are the ones that get the big reward in the end-even when he wants to tease me about it (see Denise's blog).

Well, I survived

I am back in Weight Watchers. It was good to see the secretary again after a year or so. I had gone to this original place before I started attending meetings in Brooklyn. Unfortunately, the leader is still the same and I still don't like her. At least, she remembered me after all of this time. She even asked me if I had any questions which I found surprisingly. Today we spent a lot of time discussing how what might have worked for us in a different time or different situation might not work now. I truly believe that. It made me think back to when I first started (3/11/03). I was in my marriage and felt fairly stable in all aspects of my life. Through the last year or so, my life was turning upside down along with my weight loss plateauing. I had lost about 40 something pounds and felt so great but since the truth behind Jeremy was coming out, my weight started creeping up. Plus my financial situation sucked and still does. I ended up not being to afford going to WW or keeping my gym membership-something that I so enjoyed doing before work. Now I've decided that I want to look my best when and if Scott and I end up married. I want to look great in my wedding pictures unlike last time. In fact, one of those old pictures is really what inspired me to join WW in the first place. So now, I want to reach my goal weight, which isn't too farfetched. I feel that I'm slowly starting to get stable again at least in most parts of my life. So good luck to me!

survey time

Birthday:May 11, 1976
Birthplace:Rochester, NY
Current Location:Brooklyn, NY
Eye Color:Blue
Hair Color:Brown
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Mutt-Polish, French, Welsh
The Shoes You Wore Today:boots-now Taz slippers
Your Weakness:right now? loving too intensely
Your Fears:right now? losing Scott. deep water
Your Perfect Pizza:chicken, jalapenos, extra cheese, bacon
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:start my writing career
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:where are the cats
Your Best Physical Feature:eyes
Your Bedtime:8ish
Your Most Missed Memory:don't know
Pepsi or Coke:diet coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:Mickey D's
Single or Group Dates:single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:doesn't matter
Chocolate or Vanilla:chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:yummy-both
Do you Smoke:used to
Do you Swear:everyday
Do you Sing:yup-and very offkey
Do you Shower Daily:yup
Have you Been in Love:yup and I am in it now
Do you want to go to College:already did
Do you want to get Married:been there, am willing to do it again
Do you belive in yourself:sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:I get vertigo instead
Do you think you are Attractive:sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:need to be a better one
Do you get along with your Parents:sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:yup-especially with the man that I love
Do you play an Instrument:used to-clarinet, piano, alto sax
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:don't think so
In the past month have you Smoked:nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:nope
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:nope-but I really want some right now
In the past month have you been on Stage:nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:nope-too cold
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:nope
Ever been Drunk:hell yes
Ever been called a Tease:yes
Ever been Beaten up:only emotionally unless you call being stabbed by scissors as beaten up
Ever Shoplifted:nope
How do you want to Die:quickly
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:I have to grow up?
What country would you most like to Visit:Australia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:any but prefer brown
Favourite Hair Color:any but prefer brown
Short or Long Hair:long hair
Height:taller than me
Weight:doesn't matter
Best Clothing Style:doesn't matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:none
Number of CDs I own:over 300
Number of Piercings:4
Number of Tattoos:2
Number of things in my Past I Regret:0


Well, I'm doing it

I've decided to go back to Weight Watchers today and will be going to a 12:30pm meeting. I'm hoping that the annoying leader that used to run the morning sessions on this day at this location will NOT be there.
I've also started to really take my dream of becoming a writer a little bit more seriously. I picked up a journal to write in yesterday and will start it today. I'm not sure what I'm aiming to write about but I'll just see what comes out.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


I'm currently reading "Chicken Soup for the Writer's Soul" and I've been thinking about trying to get my writing out there in the world. Not that I have anything definite down on paper or on the computer yet but I do definitely have ideas running through my head.
I've had this dream of becoming a writer for several years. I've had some of my poetry published (hey, something that Scott probably doesn't know!) but I would like to get more out and maybe even write a book. A book on what, I don't know. I could do romance. I could do mystery, horror. I already do book reviews for MyShelf and have been doing that for several years now. I also on occasion do reviews for Harper Publishers. I would like to do more and need to get my foot in the door. Do I attempt to freelance to magazines, newspapers, etc? Do I take a copyeditor class so I can get my foot in the door that way?
I still also have the dreams that I had when I entered college-marine biology. I still would love to sit in Maui and research humpback whales but could care less about the physics, chemistry and oceangraphy that I needed to take in order to complete my degree.
I also have dreams of forensic psychology. I actually did a little research on online schools last night while waiting for Scott to get home from work.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Why can't the past stay the past?

Everyone is guilty of it-thinking about an anniversary of an ex love-but the difference is how you handle it. For the last several years, I've had different anniversaries regarding different exes. The only anniversary that I dread is my wedding anniversary-New Year's Eve. Last year, I was with Sal and it was miserable. This year I'm with Scott and I'm hoping that it will be better. I need Scott's strength to get through it and make me forget what I had done 3 years previously. Not that I'll ever forget but at least it won't hurt as much as it has in the past.
Currently, I'm trying to be strong for Scott in dealing with his feelings about his own past and anniversaries. I admit, it's hard, especially with how things went down with him and her. I can understand where his feelings are coming from and it's that understanding that keeps me here, trying to be strong for him, for us. Sometimes I don't understand why they're as strong as they are since she broke his heart. But like, I've been saying since I met Scott, their mistakes and losses, our gain and that is what I keep trying to focus on: our future, our love, our friendship.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Happiness all around

Well it seems like happiness is the tone for most people in my life recently. My cousin Mollie is engaged and is getting married next Halloween in Vegas. I'm thinking about trying to convince Scott to go as I've always wanted to go to Vegas and hey my cousin's getting married....again.
Rick Springfield is on GH. Sigh...Still looking good after all of these years. He has a new cd coming out and will be on tour next year. Wonder if I should even attempt to get tickets for both Scott and I or if I should get them for myself. Wonder if he would sing Jessie's Girl. Now I have that song in my head.
Things are also looking up for Denise. She's in major lust with Eric, the pharmacist. I find her stories about her male housemate the best-he should have held on when he had the chance. I hope that things work out for Denise and Eric. Denise definitely deserves some happiness after this past crazy year.
And of course, things are going back to working well with Scott and I. We've agreed that we're not going to let Nicki interrupt what we have been working so hard on. We're also not going to let any other past ghosts come up and interfer either. It's nice being in love with someone that loves as much as Scott does.
And the best of all, at least for right now, Tiger aka as Mr. Mush is lying on the couch with me.

Sunday, December 04, 2005


Well just when all hope was lost for my team, they came out with 6 seconds to go to beat the crybabies! 24-23-Go Miami!
Now if my head would only feel normal (whatever the hell that is). Of course with Scott trying to distract me, and succeeding, my happiness regarding Miami can only last for so long.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Fainting is always fun

Please note sarcasm in title. For the last few weeks, my head has been feeling strange. I feel like I want to pass out. I almost did yesterday at work. I had a moment of darkness and weakness. I didn't pass out or anything but felt that my knees were not going to support me. For most of the afternoon today, my head has been feeling icky. Not quite a headache but just some uncomfortable feeling. I could have also slept all day long. Needless to say, I didn't go gaming with Scott tonight. I'm hoping that he's having a good time. Hopefully this feeling will go away.

Friday, December 02, 2005


All I feel is numbness

Things I love

Your warm brown eyes
Your soft lips
Your sexy wet look
The feel of your warm hands
The complete acceptance when I'm not feeling my best
Your thoughtfulness
Your nerdiness
Your silly grin
Your long hair
The Queen
Your wanting
Your needing
Most importantly, your love

Thursday, December 01, 2005


How I still wish that Scott never checked her blog. Now she's responded on his. Nothing to major but still...she responded. Why was she looking at his blog? How often has she been looking at it? Did Scott respond to it? If not, will he? If he has, will he tell me her response? See, the trust issues still linger. I've been trying to be soooo supportive of this but it's like I'm fighting a ghost that just refuses to go away, especially when Scott makes comments about how similar our intensity of anger is. It's like Scott buried her and thought that she was six feet under when in reality, she's only about 2 feet under so she can still rise up and say, "look at my blog, see my life." Now, logically, I know that I'm Scott's and that he's mine and all of that. I would have to be silly not to understand that Scott loves me, especially since we're living together. But, I think that the reality of how short this time has been for us (3 months) is finally sinking into him and it kinda scares me and probably even him. We were going to bed last night and he just kept saying that it's only been 3 months. Is it because reality has knocked him upside the head? Is it because it feels like we've been together for soooooo much longer than that? Does it really matter to him how long we've been together? Is he having second thoughts? Especially with her bad breakup? Is he just thinking more and more about her and her vulnerability? The fear of losing him to this ghost terrifies me.
One would think that after dealing with Jeremy and his ex c*%& Donna, I would have learned about dealing with guys and their recent exes. Yes, she broke Scott's heart months ago, but it was really only months ago. Yes, he has dated a couple of others between her and I but was/is he really ready for this? I've at least had a year since I moved out from Jeremy and even longer than that to deal with the fact that my husband's an ass. Yes, I dated others before Scott but I also had the time to deal with what and who I wanted. Chicago was the peak of that time. I came to an understanding that I need to make myself happy, whether it be playing with the family, or making crazy talk while baking, or just lying next to the man that I love and not live my life for no one else. This week has brought up old feelings of the need to be reassured that I'm important to someone. I can't waste my time wondering if she will start calling him again and if she does, how will Scott respond. I keep trying to have the logical side of my mind reassure me but it doesn't always work. Part of the stubborn Taurus side of me is ready for a fight. The fight for my happiness with Scott. The fight of me not losing one of the most important things to me-Scott. Scott has stated that I have an intensity to me. If I have to fight for us, he will really see how intense I can get. I have nothing against her other than she hurt the man that I love but I see how he gets when she's brought up in conversation. He shares an intensity that shows that he still has feelings lingering there, similar to the intensity that I feel when Jeremy is brought up. Feelings of hurt and of trying to understand why she did what she did. Feelings of care and sympathy which are the feelings that I can understand why they are there but hurt to know that they are there.