Wednesday

Regrets?
None
Confusion?
Sometimes
Communication is key and we both need to continue to work on it.
Both of us have ghosts
Can we face them together?
Together being key
Fall/Winter
Both of us have our demons from these seasons
Can we overcome them?
Or are they going to be our downfall?
We've both had dreams that have been shattered
Let's continue to have our dreams
And make them a reality, together
I'm willing to stand at your side
Being your leaning post when you need it
Will you continue to be mine?
I'm willing to fight for us
Never let go
I might have my ways of dealing with frustration, some I'm working on
But never forget that I love you wholeheartedly and that will never stop
No matter where life takes us
I am yours for as long as you want me to be

What to say?

So, I'm having an okay day, especially since Jeremy texted me this morning and told me that he went to court-or at least that's what I can assume. And then I read the blog-Scott's blog and all I can do is cry and wonder. I've been working on my trust issues especially after Jeremy's bullshit with Donna and his lies and betrayal. I figured that, hey, here's a decent guy, no reason to question him or his actions. Let me put 100% or at least 90% of my trust into him, especially since I agreed to move in with him. Now don't get me wrong, Scott's a wonderful guy and I love him, much more than I ever expected to love someone this close to moving out from Jeremy. And I know that he still cares about his ex-especially since he was planning on moving to Canada to be with her and I'm not exactly sure how the break-up went-just that it was horrible. But to read that he checked out her blog, without even saying anything to me that he was tempted to kinda hurts. Yes, he has every right to do what he wants and I want him to continue to feel that way. It's just hard because in the past, when he has thought about her, he has made a point of telling me before anything was published on his blog. Yes, there probably wasn't a good time to tell me since I was on my way home when he posted it but still. I have to continue to work hard on these issues or I'm never going to be happy.
I guess the timing of the whole thing is bothering the hell out of me too. Last night, I went to my union to speak with a lawyer about seeing if I was able to file for divorce since I was the one that left Jeremy and wasn't really doing well emotionally afterwards, especially on the way home. A lot of that is because of me feeling stupid that Jeremy wouldn't continue to lie to me after we got married or that he would even think about calling her after he promised me that he wouldn't. So thanks to this boy, I'm having major issues trusting others. I want to trust Scott 100% but now seeing that he went on her blog and then wrote about his feelings about her loss, I don't know. I want him to feel what he feels and not feel that he needs to keep that part of himself closed. I'm sorry that the situation happened to her but why did he go on there? Why? Just why? Why now?

Thanksgiving

I did end up going to Scott's family's for Thanksgiving after crying, talking, cursing at Grand Central Station. At the moment, I was hating Scott for forcing me to stay and talk or threatening to come home with me to hash the issues out. In hindsight, I'm glad that he did. It certainly has made us more aware of each other and has brought us closer. It also made us commit to each other more than we already were.
On the train to CT, I gave Scott his birthday presents, which he seemed to like and probably can't wait to play. We made it Milford, CT at around 8:30pm and met up with his dad, who took us out to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. During dinner, Christmas traditions were discussed. This year, Scott is coming with me to celebrate Christmas at my parents' home. This will also be the first year that Scott will not be in CT for Christmas. His father was understandable upset and at the same time I feel so guilty that I'm "taking" Scott away from his family. I know that I'm not and that Scott is making that choice all on his own about coming up to celebrate Christmas with my family.
After dinner, we went to his mother's home and talked for a little bit and then we all crashed! Thanksgiving Day was....interesting to say the least. I met Scott's brother, Eric and his stepbrother, Dave (his family) and stepsister, Deborah (and her boyfriend) for dinner. Eric is nice....very very nice and funny in saying goodbye to me. During the course of dinner, I was involved in a discussion with Dave, his wife, Jen (another Jen and another SW) and Deborah about Dave and Jen's son Dakota and his learning disability. Dave and Jen seem to have been trying to find all the avenues to help their 7-year old sweet son but are not having any luck. After that discussion, certain family dirty laundry history came out. This conversation made several people uncomfortable and I kept thinking was "okay, another dysfunctional family and that's fine." I didn't really feel too uncomfortable which I'm still surprised with that. I felt bad for Dave, Jr. and Scott's mother because it was obvious that Dave has lots of issues that he has tried to deal with and Jan just couldn't understand where this conversation was coming from. Scott mostly sat there quiet. I wonder what his thoughts were. By the end of the discussion, things seemed to be a little bit better. Dave, Jr threw me for a surprise when he started saying how much he enjoys talking with me and that I'm lovable and Scott's a lucky guy. I told Dave to tell Scott that and he did about 10 minutes later. Scott just gave me that I know it smile/grin of his. So I guess I'm in with the family!!!!! :-)
Right before dessert, Scott's sister, Lisa came with her family. Her son Benjamin, almost cried everytime he saw Scott and his hairy face. I started feeling bad for him and ended up telling him at some point that our kids won't do that to him since they will be used to it. Scott's brother, Mark and his wife Heather also came for dessert. I didn't really get a chance to talk with them but they both seem nice and I was happy to see that Heather isn't how she comes off.
Dessert went off without a hitch. We celebrated Dave, Sr and Scott's birthdays and Dave and Jan's anniversary. Scott got his dreampie and the chocolate, peanut butter, oatmeal cookies went off better than I expected. I'm craving one right now as I type this. Hmmm maybe I should make some more!
So now, I'm home with royal family trying to figure out where the cold draft is coming from.

Scott's birthday

Today is Scott's birthday and I really wish that I could be in a better mood for it. I'm really pissed off with something that had happened last night and that I ended up waking up in the same pissed off mood. I'm so angry, hurt, and disrespected that I didn't say goodbye to Scott this morning and I really don't feel like sitting on a train next to him going to CT to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And, Scott doesn't even realize that I'm this upset. Great, not the Red Hot Chili Pepper song that he sang is on KRock! DAMN!!!

My miserable Tuesday afternoon

Why is that men better known as boys think that it's appropriate to come up to a woman waiting for a bus and start talking with her and calling her beautiful? Why do they insist on bothering and harassing her when she doesn't respond and even give them the roll of the eyes? This was done to me yesterday on my way crosstown and it didn't stop even when I got on the bus. I just don't get it. What gives anyone the right to keep harassing someone? I could understand if I had said thanks or gave them any indication that I was interested. I was cold, late, annoyed that I had to wait for someone who didn't come on time, and wet from the rain. Why the hell would I want anyone to come up to me and try to start talking with me?

Wasting time

I sit here, eating a really good PB & J samwich, before I have to head downtown for a couple of visits. It's too late to start anything new so now I have to find something to do. Scott is working or just not answering my email. Denise is doing God knows what with God knows who! My coworkers are doing what they need to do. Jeremy can only be harassed so much in a day. I could just leave early in the crappy weather. Maybe that's what I'll do. Get to my visits early and get home to make Thanksgiving desserts before Scott's friends, Morgan and Alice (newly engaged) come over for Don's and games.
Now I wonder why Scott hasn't updated his blog.

Monday morning

I should have known that it was going to be a bad day when darling Boots decided to knock over Scott's stuff at midnight. When I woke up to go to work-I couldn't find something that fit to wear. Talk about me having a fat day. So, of course, I'm pissed off and discouraged. Only reminds me that a year ago, I was 20 pounds lighter. So I'm trying to stay in my office and only come out when I absolutely have to just so people don't see how disgusting I am. I really need to get back on track. Maybe Scott will set up the VCR tonight so I can do a tape tomorrow morning before I get ready for work (HINT HINT) :-). And it looks like I'll be eating lots of salads for the next few weeks-should be interesting for Scott's birthday (Wednesday) and Thanksgiving this week. Maybe I'll go back to Weight Watchers on Sunday. Can you tell I need lots of motivation to get up off my ass and go back? I can't afford to get new clothes. Maybe I'll just start wearing Scott's stuff.
Okay enough gripping about how fat and disgusting I am. So anyway, my day just keeps getting better and better. I get a phone call at 7am from one of my families who tells me that ACS was called on them for basic bs. So now I've been having to deal with that whole saga all morning long.
And to top off my Monday, Jeremy is not returning my calls. I even called his job to leave a message. This is all to find out if he has gone to get the damn divorce already. I really don't want to be sitting at my union's lawyer's office tonight. Especially after dealing with this ACS and school crap.

Home sick

I came home last night from going out with my coworkers after the audit (we did outstanding) feeling sick. I'm assuming that it was what I ate and in combination with the downpour rain. I woke up this morning after tossing and turning all night with my throat so sore that I couldn't even really speak or swallow. So I called out and attempted to go back to sleep. Not easy to do when you can't breathe on top of the pain of your throat. I eventually got up right when Scott left for work (well, started reading his Entertainment Weekly). So I've spent the day watching the Food Network and the Travel Channel plus playing poker on Scott's computer. Now I'm watching The Apartment from Netflix and trying to feel better. I took a nap only to wake up with a shooting pain in the side of my head. Should be interesting if I'm able to sleep after Survivor tonight.

Morning of the audit

Well, it's waiting time for the auditors. I've been here since 6am all decked out in a business suit just waiting for my coworkers to come in and now for the auditors to come so we can start this. Then it's out to dinner with the crazy crackheads that I work with. We are going to a Mexican restaurant-I'm just hoping for good food. There are plans for some to drink to excess-not me. Not this time! I don't need to arrive home drunk off my ass like I've done before at work events. Of course, before I had reasons to drink (mainly husband being an ahole).
So now to continue listening to Shaggy and hang out with the crackheads.

The day before THE audit

Well, it's lunch time here and not many of us are being able to sit down and actually enjoy our lunch. People are snapping at others (mostly supervisors) about paperwork. This is by far the worst that I have ever seen before an audit. Just thankfully I'm done with my stuff and shouldn't have any problems tomorrow. Of course now if I could just get over this sore throat/congestion/headache it would be just fine. People are coming in here with the flu and spreading their nasty germs around so it will interesting to see how many of us show up on Thursday. All I know is that Sex and the City Season 6 is calling me!!!!!!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Oh let's let out some screams of frustration out. Jeremy, my damned husband, who has already filed once for divorce has not refiled like he was supposed to. He calls me this morning to let me know that he's going home because he's in pain (yet another excuse) and if he feels better, he'll go to court to file the summons. Now for those of you who have not had the pleasure of listening to me complain about this whole procedure, let me fill you in. Jeremy is one of the laziest people I know and has come up with excuse after excuse of why he has not gone to refile. Now, he has a girlfriend (the damned c*%t) and you would think that he would want to move on since there is no way in hell I want him back after everything that has happened. I'm sure that she also has been harassing him about getting this done since she oh so understands what it takes to be married, especially to that lazy SOB. So why has Jeremy done anything about this? Who the hell knows? All I do know is that he is holding me back from being 100% happy in my life. And, of course, my happiness is soooooo important to him. At least that's what he claims, along with the I still love you crap. Yeah, well, if you gave a damn, this thing would have already been refiled and you would have done all that you could have done over the summer to actually show that you wanted to be a friend. Hell, you never would have made the decision like you made it. Anyone have their spouse's wedding band thrown at them? Anyone have their spouse make a life altering decision on a day where arguments and yelling and screaming are the main course of the day? So now, I need to see if there is anyway that I can file for divorce since obviously he isn't going to do a damn thing about it. But I have a feeling that I won't be able to since I was the one that moved out. Hopefully a lawyer or paralegal will be able to give me some sound advice. Damn that boy!!!

This Weekend Part 2

Scott and I made it to good ole Rochester and Ontario this past weekend. He met the folks and they seem to like him. Added bonus! Friday we headed up there and the trip seemed okay. Mom met up with us at the train station and told Scott to call her Barb (something she never has ever done before) and we headed for home. Soon Dad came home and told Scott to call him Mr. Oliver (something that he has never ever done before). We had a wonderful homecooked meal and then went to go meet up with my high school friends, Jack and Michelle. Scott fit in WAY too well with them. Saturday, Scott and I met up with my girlfriend Tricia and her family for a lunch at Applebee's. Scott kept himself occupied with Tricia's youngest daughter, Elizabeth. It was very cute to watch him. Only reemphasizes the wanting of children with him. Then I showed him a tour of my school's (all of them) and I'm still shocked at how much my high school as changed. We also stopped at Lake Ontario to share some quiet quality time together. We then headed back to my parents' home to then go out with Dad to get some fresh Western NY apples. The rest of the day was spent playing Scrabble with my mom (Scott won) and just relaxing. Sunday was a killer-the train was an hour late getting into Rochester and then we were about 1.5 hours late getting into NYC-not even counting the subway trip home. So....I'm extremely glad that the weekend went well and that my parents like Scott. I'm glad that I was able to show Scott where and how I grew up.

This weekend

Well, Scott and I are heading up to my home town to meet my parental units. Since Scott and I have only known each other since August (face to face) and I've already moved in with him, my parents are extremely cautious about what their daughter is doing. Since Scott and I want to spend Christmas with them, it is appropriate that they meet him before then so hence the trip. Hopefully, we'll also get to see a couple of my friends. I'm also going to be showing him the sights and sounds of my background so hopefully I won't bore him too much. This is probably the first time that I have ever really wanted my parents to meet the guy that I was dating. I guess it's because he makes me so happy and this relationship is truly the right thing. Now if I could just get rid of the lazy S. O. B. that continues to hesitate about doing what he needs to do. I just wish that he would stop with excuses and let me move on with my life. He continually claims that he wants me to be happy. Well, if you soooo want me to be happy, maybe you shouldn't have lied to me in the first place OR made the decision that you made so hastily and the way that you made it. But you made the choice that you made, now grant me my last wish from you.

Working environment

Well, I was all set to write about this upcoming weekend but then my coworker brought in a 8 week old puppy. She is soooooo adorable. She's a tiny Shizsu-terrier mix colored brown and black. It's been almost impossible to do any sort of work the last 2 hours. Will be most unlikely that I get anything accomplished today. Luckily our supervisors and directors are animal freaks like the rest of us.

Mass Transit

For those of you who do not reside in the Big Apple may or may not have heard of the term "straphangers" used while dealing with subways. Well, come to NYC and ride the subway or bus during morning or evening rush hour and you will come to know the term intimately, along with your fellow passengers. Take this morning for example. I arranged my schedule so I could spend some extra time with Scott and took the crowded express train. Well, first let me tell you that the first express train didn't even stop at the station. Grrrr. Well I get on the train and there are a bunch of private high school male students standing in the doorway-gotta love it. At least these were aware that they were standing in the way and attempted to move for people to get on board. So here I am standing on a crowded train holding a pole with about 6 other people. Forget about holding my backpack on my back! Needless to say I never got a seat as I travelled into Manhattan (8 stops). I do my home visits (very emotionally might I add) and then jump on the crosstown bus after stopping to get litter for the royal family. Luckily this bus was not as crowded as it usually is. Also it wasn't running late-another amazing feat for this bus line. I jump on the train to head up to my office and it's crowded. I still managed to find a seat that was far enough away from my fellow passengers but about 2 stops from my office-I'm squashed in. And by guys no less. Sorry guys but none of you have penises that big that you must spread your legs sooooo wide so that the women next to you can't even breathe. Why do guys feel they need to do this? Why can't they keep their legs together just like the women do? Must be that Y-chromosome again. Anyway, I get off the train and then I'm stuck behind these slow ass people on the platform and stairs. I guess they don't realize that there are people behind them and what's worse, is that they stop. Stop right in the way of other people behind them. I don't get it. If you're going to stop, move to the side and stop. Don't stop right in the middle of the way. Grrr! I'm just reminded of why I get up so early in the morning and go into work at stupid time.

in my reality

Wow! I actually beat the first place team in the fantasy football league. I actually helped kick him out of first place-Scott owes me one now that he's in first place. I wonder how he'll reward me!
Now I sit here, in my office or closet depending on how big or small I'm feeling, waiting for the audit. Every year, my program is audited by New York State. Our audit isn't until next week and since before Labor Day, my supervisor and director have been beyond stressed out. We have had several changes happen this year. We've expanded our case load capacity almost by 50%. That expansion means new hires (4 to be exact) and we also got a parent advocate. This year I also became a certified trainer using a new assessment tool which means that I got to go to Chicago in May for a conference and then come back to NYC and have to help train all of my fellow coworkers. Now imagine a whole bunch of social workers being trained in an assessment tool. We have already a lot of paperwork to do and this just adds to the chaos. This tool is to be used to determine if a child meets the level of care of my program. A lot of my coworkers don't like the tool or the fact that is now a requirement by the state. Needless to say this year has been a stressful one. Almost everyone at work is at each other's throats. Makes it interesting to see others getting mad at the same people for the same reasons.
Now we might be getting another expansion of something completely different-something that I would be overseeing. Now I'm looking forward to the possibility of gaining this component to the state program because I would definitely be doing more administrative work which is something I want but I also want to get out of this field and do something different. Not quite sure what-I've always wanted to start writing and definitely try my hand at selling my craftwork. I guess time will tell what happens in life.

Relationships

Struggles
Happiness
Connections
Focus
Decisions
Anger
Smiles
Tongues wagging
Rolling of eyes
Kisses
Smells
Territory
Changes
Family
Defensives
Walls building
Walls crumbling
Want
Lust
Need
Love

Football week #2 in the new home

Well, after a week of not doing much unpacking, Scott and I decided to hold off unpacking for FOOTBALL! Once again, unfortunately, my team Miami lost. At least, I think that I'm doing better this week in my fantasy football league-probably won't win my match-up up but should have more than 50 points.
Not looking forward to work this week-getting ready for a State audit and it's crunch time. Time for stress, yelling, rolling of the eyes, and just wanting to come home and crash.
Now on for the second plate of nachos and the second game!

Reflection

My crazy redneck crackhead cousin, Denise, and I were talking last week about where we were a year ago. I had been thinking that it was a year ago when I took a trip to Florida to help her celebrate her birthday at Disney. I was going through a rough time and moving out away from Jeremy and she was happily involved with her boyfriend Kyle. This year, she's single and I just moved in with Scott. It's been amazing how I don't end up yelling and screaming every night like I used to. It's amazing how I can actually relax at home.
Now I wonder where I'll be next year. Hopefully things will be finalized and I will never have to deal with certain things ever again. Hopefully, Scott and I will continue to be making the positive strides that we have been making. Hopefully, Denise will find that one magnum guy who will love and appreciate her for everything that she is. Then at least I won't have to hear her complain about being lonely and single! :-)

Crafty

Thought that I would take some time to talk about another activity that I enjoy doing. Crafts. I like doing latch hook, needlepoint, cross-stitch, and creating friendship bracelets. I would like to learn how to knit but can never afford the classes or relearn how to crochet. The only problem I have is that it seems to take me forever to complete a project. I need some motivation to actually sit down and complete several projects-most are gifts for friends and family. I should be doing them while I watch movies with Scott or while he is playing his latest game on Playstation but I don't. I sit there and enjoy his company and the royal family's company. Eventually, I'll buckle down to complete something. Maybe I can get someone to remind me that I have these things to do.
And, of course, I've been having the idea of making and selling friendship bracelets running through my head for the last couple of years now. I need to know how to get myself into the door of the business and see how lucky I can be.
Hmmmm...thoughts of today.

Illness

Being sick is never fun, especially when you have had an ailment for several months. You go to doctors and none of them can figure out what's wrong but you know that something doesn't feel right. You get blood drawn and everything appears "normal." You even end up in the emergency room to only have chest xrays done and everything is once again "normal." So what does one do when they have an ongoing pain and has been to several doctors already? For example, I've been having side pains and have gone to a couple of doctors, had the blood drawn, had the xrays and everything is "normal" yet I'm still in pain. I can't keep leaving work early or calling in sick-got to fed the kids and pay the bills. But yet I can't concentrate on my work while cringing in pain. Sleep doesn't seem to help. Lying down or sitting up or even standing seems to lessen the pain. One time, going home on the subway, I couldn't even read I was in so much pain. So what to do? What to do?