JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

Resolutions

For the last few years I had decided not to make any New Year's resolutions. Mostly because I'm not as hard on myself as I should be sometimes to actually follow through on them. It also leads to disappointment in myself which, at times, I cannot emotionally deal with it. So I tell myself that there are things that I will try to do. This year they are much of the same that I've done in the past. And sometimes it's worked out and sometimes it hasn't. As long as I know that I tried to do better for myself, that's all that matters in my book. I basically want to get on track with my weight. I would love for this year to be the year that I made my goal. Just make it. Not even necessarily maintain it. I know that I can do it. I've been that close in the past but then life wanted to reel it's ugly head and credit card companies wanted their money so I couldn't afford my gym membership anymore. So this year, I'm going to make a point of getting up earlier and work out at home and then get ready for work. The neighbors might not appreciate it but you know what, it's for me and they tend to have little respect for their neighbors when they decide to blast their music all hours of the night. I'm going to try to make all of my WW meetings. At least I'll have a monitoring system reestablished which is something I need. As for emotionally well being, I'm going to try to not let stupid tourists and others get on my nerves like they have in the past. This is going to probably be the hardest for me to do. I sometimes have no patience tolerance. But I do know that I have a better piece of mind in my life and know that it will probably only bite me in the ass in the long run. I'm also going to work on making sure that Scott and I survive any sort of trouble that comes our way. I know that communication is key and I'm going to try to let him in, especially when I need it, which is another thing that is not easy for me to do thanks to Jeremy and others. I've had walls built up for so long that it is hard for them to come down brick by brick but Scott is that important to me. I'm also going to talk with my crackhead cuz just because I can't imagine not talking with her daily and when we don't speak, it feels strange so Denise, let's keep those text messages coming! As for work, I just found out that my agency got the big purposal/contract that we were fighting for so my job will be changing. That should be interesting. I just to need to stay focused with work and do what I need to do. I'm also going to try to get some writing published, even if it is just a poem or something simple like that. I'm also going to be more crafty and get my projects accomplished. So Happy New Year to everyone and if you make resolutions, I hope that you are able to accomplish at least one of them this year.

naps

are good. No wonder cats take so many

Memories

Are you thinking about what happened 3 years ago?
Do you have regrets?
3 years ago, did you imagine this is where we would be?
Why did you lie?
Why did you betray?
Why did you end up being the worst thing for me when I thought that you were the best?
Are you missing me?
Are you caring?
Will you ever fully understand the pain that you have put me through?
Your stupid fucking choices!
Never giving US a fair chance.
How much thinking will you be doing tomorrow?
Are you going to have the nerve to try to contact me?
Hopefully you've learned that I want nothing to do with you
Nothing to do with the hurt and pain you've caused
I'm trying to be happy
I've moved on in my life
I found someone who genuinely cares about me
Someone who wouldn't lie to me like you did
Someone who wouldn't go behind my back and break promises like you have
You made the choice to be with the cunt
Now live with it
There is no more of you and me
You made that very easy by your lack of communication
Shouldn't be shocking because 3 years ago you stopped communicating with me
You thought that your fucking past would never come back to bite you on your fat lazy ass
Guess again
We never should have said the vows
Especially when I knew you lied and continued to lie
Did you honestly think that I would let it go?
After I sacrifaced my piece of mind for you?
How stupid can you really be?
Let me answer that....VERY
I tried looking out for you
Not anymore
You're too lazy
Too stupid to look out for yourself
You don't want to rock the boat
Maybe you should have come clean when it first happened and then things would have been different
I doubt it though looking at things in hindsight.
I never would have gotten to know what real love feels like
To know what happiness is
To know that I deserve happiness and love
So thank you for giving me that
Thank you for being the ass that you are and having your actions show me what I deserve

It's amazing how good moods can change in a matter of seconds

Almost nothing is better than....

having Tiger aka Mr. Mush sitting on the couch next to you.

What's better you ask? Having the man that you love and care about sitting next to you.

Last night

Yes! I got my sushi rolls (spicy tuna and California) and Scott got his curry rice. Good food, good company! And I got some shopping done before that. Got some new oils (most on sale) for the oil burner that Scott's mother got me for Christmas from The Body Shop and got the Ann Rule volume 10 paperback book from Barnes and Nobles. Now I need to remember to get the Writer's Market book with my Border's gift card that my brother gave me for Christmas. And what did I do when we got home-poker!!!

Dreams

Talk about having some erotic dreams last night/this morning! Wow! And they were all with Scott-double bonus for me! Not no stupid fantasy sex with some big named star or the phantom face-all clearly with Scott.

Crafts

I'm finally seeing some new progress being made on a needlepoint project that I'm making for my aunt. It's hot air balloon related and I've been working on it for years. I've made a determination (resolution?) that I need to work on my needlepoint, cross stitch, friendship bracelet and my latch hook projects every day. If it's on strand or 5 rows being done a day, it will be something. So Scott and Denise-bug away! :-) I need this especially if I'm going to create some sort of business based on my friendship bracelets/bookmarks for those of you from Weekly Reads that have received them as rewards.

Wednesday?

Pretty sad when you have to keep checking to see what day it is. But wait, I'm on vacation so it's okay!
Let's see, I've already worked out (yea, the VCR/DVD is set up), took a shower, and just finished my breakfast (Special K fruit and yogurt). Now I think I'm going to work on some more progress notes and watch some Law and Order: Season 1. Then it will be off to Sears and Petlands. Tonight Scott and I are supposed to be meeting up with his friends, Kim and Oly for some Japanese food (yummy-sushi here I come or chichen teriyaki or...) We might go to the movies-not sure what we're going to see yet. It also depends on how Scott feels tonight.

Vacation

As much as I love having time to myself, I can see myself getting bored soon enough. Today I actually worked on some progress notes until Scott's notebook decided to not let me attempt to save my work and freeze and just basically tell me to shut it down. Gotta love technology. But hey, I did get some vacuuming done and also did some needlepoint work. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Probably a trip to Petlands for the kids and maybe Sears for myself.
Too bad Scott's sick.

Back to the Big Apple

Scott and I made it through our first Christmas together. We made it up to my parents' on Friday with no MAJOR incidents. There was this petite woman who was standing in front of us that was letting people cut in front of her and the hundred people behind her. I had to tell one family that there was a line and they moved with no attitude. This "woman" asked me if I wanted to get in front of her to "police" everyone else. I kindly told her no and figured that she saw that people behind her didn't want people cutting in front of her, she would have learned her damn lesson. Nope, she let a woman in front of her and then started going on about Christmas spirit and the strike being over. Well, she's lucky I didn't pick up her size 2 body and chuck her across Penn Station. Even Scott was surprised that I didn't lash out. Well, when they were loading up the train, several people tried and some succeeded to cut in but what was funny is that people behind Scott and I stated that they would "police" and kept telling people that there was a line. It was funny. So thank you to that woman behind us getting the last word in.
Train ride was uneventful. We both read and slept. We were picked up by my mother and went off to Bruggers to get the dozen bagels and cream cheese. Yummy!!! Then we went home. We had Cam's for dinner-man have I missed those wings. Saturday we made it out to Crazy Egor's-a well known game store that Scott has been wanting to go to. Now, my father rarely plays games. I mean almost absolutely never. He's game, yes singular, is Euchre. So to see my father take us to this game store was interesting. Scott was like a little kid in a candy store. He went straight to the war games and started looking for stuff for Matt and himself. He did very well in there-probably because he knew that we were on a time schedule. He managed to come out with about 5 or 6 games. We then went to Annie and Bob's to pay them a short visit. Annie's changed a little bit-actually talking about getting rid of her cats-one that she's had for 12 years. Then it was to home for stuffed shells. Another yummy. Can't forget the Christmas cookies that Mom made too. Date nut pinwheels, sugar cookies, Pecan logs, and Chocolate Cherry drops. All delicious.
Sunday was Christmas. Scott and I opened our stockings. Santa had sent me on a special mission to get stuff for Scott's stocking and I, being the little Elf, had fun doing it. We waited for my brother to arrive and then had Christmas. Scott surprised me with a Syracuse Donovan McNabb Jersey-totally rocks! He also got me my favorite player, Bryan Cox and one of my favorite PC games-Dungeon Keeper. Now I need to set up my computer!!! Overall a good morning. Still a little disappointed with my brother but hey, that's what happens when he waits until the last minute to do his shopping. A Miami Dolphins belt????
Yesterday we came home. The train was late-not as late as it has been in the past and it would have been fine with the exception of this family from Chicago. One kid kept stating that she was bored-she was lucky, especially when she woke me up, that I didn't give her a better reason to be bored. Their guardian seemed a little off mentally and that bothered me too. Luckily for Scott, he was playing with his PSP and had his headphones on so he didn't have to listen to the crap.
Last night, Scott set up our new entertainment center and it looks really nice. Unfortunately, Scott did this all being sick and this morning he still isn't feeling well.
Now for my vacation!!!!!

Well

It was nice while it lasted

Friday

Well the strike is over and Scott and I will be heading to Ontario this morning. Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it!

Day #3 of the damned transit strike

Well, yesterday it took me 4 hours to get to work and 3.5 to get home. Hopefully today will be a little bit better. At least I'll be in a car and not walking. Yesterday on the way home, my foot started hurting. Luckily Scott's carpool met up with me so I didn't have to walk 4 miles home.
So tonight is packing and making cookies. And hoping that this strike ends so Scott and I won't have problems getting to Penn Station.

Ow

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=bizarre&id=3745081

It's official

I hate people. I hate the cold. I hate transit unions (my union is fine).
This is all because it took me 4 hours to get to work when normally it takes me 1. Now I have a headache. My hand hurts.
Luckily there is talk about setting up express subway service because there are about 100-200 people that want to cross the picket line. I'll like those people.

New challenge

Now I have to find a creative way to work since the damn TWU president doesn't want his union to work. Hope that he can afford the fines that are coming. So I think that I have a few options. One is to hop with Scott's carpool and get a ride on LIRR into Manhattan and then take my hospital's jitney between hospitals. Two is to walk to the nearest LIRR station. The main question is which LIRR station. Either way I'm about to spend $28 compared to my weekly MetroCard of $24. This just sucks. And this all better end before Friday morning. That's when Scott and I are scheduled to head up to Ontario.

Damned Strike

As of 3am today, the union for the transit workers had decided to go on strike since there was no agreement to a contract at midnight. Now the last strike was 25 years ago. I was only 4 and living in my own little world up in Ontario, NY. Now I'm faced with the same crap as those people were. Unfortunately for me, it's December and with a 10 degree windchill. The last strike was in April. My job involved me going around Manhattan doing home visits. Looks like I'm doing my visits and not going to the office. Hopefully this strike will not last long and certainly be over by Friday morning when Scott and I leave to go my parents.
Now for the politics. The union is asking for raises and better pension, health benefits, etc for their new members. All of it understandable. All of it warranted. Should the MTA provide most if not all of their requests? Yes, within reason. The latest deal consists of a 3, 4, 3.5 % raises for the next 3 years and willingness to compromise on the other benefits which was much better than what was being offered last Friday when the first strike was threatened.

Results from Christmas in CT

Despite me being sick most of Saturday, I ended up having a good time at Scott's mother's home with her family (about 30 people in total). Watched some football, ate some decent catered Italian food, and opened some presents. Scott's mother and stepfather gave met the 3rd Season of Oz and and oil burner with some oils. I'm surprised that I didn't set it up last night when Scott and I got home. Then Saturday night, Scott and I went to see his brother Marc sing along with Scott's brother-in-law perform (he's a drummer). I've heard Marc's songs on his site and have been impressed so I was looking forward to hearing him sing and he didn't disappoint. He and his friend Mike did some covers along with their own songs. Then it was off to spend the night at Scott's father's. Sunday we went to an excellent brunch with the siblings and then back to Vic's to open up gifts. I received some great stuff, like the Rent movie soundtrack which didn't take me long to open it up this morning and play it (thank you Scott). I also got The Collection by Alanis Morrissette and Wildflower by Sheryl Crow. Scott gave me At First Sight by Nicholas Sparks (one of my favorite authors). I got the first season of Fame, Crash, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and 2 Harry Potter movies. I also got my first Playstation 2 game-World Poker Tour from Scott. Then Scott and I came home. So overall a good weekend after a bad start. Now it's back to work until my vacation!!!

Wow

24 hours and counting

So now I have deal with my fat issues by myself once again. No support. You laugh and hurt my feelings. Do you tell me how I look? Nope. Instead you have sat in bed telling me about others. We sit and watch television and say who is pretty and who isn't. So do I hear how you feel? Nope. Sure maybe by body language. But there are times when the words are much more important. This is one of those times. I tell you almost everyday how cute or sexy I think you are. Do I hear the same? No. I even tell you that you don't tell me those things and what do you do? Absolutely nothing. No response. Nothing. I've asked you time and time again to show some sort of acknowledgement that you heard me. So now, I'm up, hurt, and upset because nothing gets resolved other than you fall asleep.
The good thing is that you have only reinforced what I know. I need to continue to make myself number one. I need to reassure myself because obviously, I'm not going to hear it from you and I'm not going to rely on your actions anymore. You think that I'm pretty, you think that I'm beautiful, then tell me. Have the words match your actions. Do not just lie there silent when you know that I'm upset.
You eventually tell me that you're proud of my weightloss from the past week. Then remember and tell me instead of me bringing it up. You tell me that you can't do it. Yes you can. When you are ready and willing to do it for yourself. And when you are, if ever, I'll be right there by your side, cheering you on and assisting you when you want it.
But for now, I'm back to being on my own. This is only going to make me a stronger person. I can see that I'm not always going to be able to count on others to support me, even when I need it. So thank you for that. Something that I thought had changed, I guess hasn't, so thank you.

Christmas in Connecticut

Tomorrow Scott and I are off to spend Christmas with his family as he is going to my parents' home for Christmas. I'm looking forward to seeing his family again but at the same time, I know I'm going to have feelings of guilt. This will be the first Christmas that Scott will not be with his family. Even though he made the decision last year that this year he would not necessarily be with his family for Christmas this year, I still feel a little uneasy. I've had a few Christmas's away from my family and I know that it isn't easy to be gone for the first one. I know that his family doesn't fully want to accept that Scott will not be there on the 25th and I hope that they don't add to my feelings of guilt. At Thanksgiving, Scott's father showed that he was upset that Scott wouldn't be home, and I felt horrible. Now I know that Scott made the decision, especially after I stated how important it was for me to be home for Christmas since I hadn't been there last year, but I still feel bad. I think that overall this weekend will be fun and that my feelings will probably be slightly unreasonable.

Friday Part Deux

Well, my Friday keeps getting better. I lost 5 pounds for my first week at WW. Yippee!!! 20 more to go! Too bad my back is still hurting. I even participated in the group-something I normally don't do since I can't stand this leader.
So now, I'm home, watching Dexter and wanting Scott to be home with me.

Friday

Well with my back out of whack (thank you, Scott) and the initial threat of a transit strike over, I'm having a pretty good day. I have no deep emotional things to write about as of now. Just that I'm happy that I've moved on with my life and found Scott. I never thought that I could be this happy or even deserve to be this happy. So thank you Scott for winking back and entering my life. Hard to believe that it's been such a short time since we met and I have absolutely no regrets of where our lives are headed. I love you.

SIGH

I'm sitting here watching the top 10 beaches of the world on the Travel Channel. I now am really craving some nice warm sand especially with this damn New York cold and wind. Oh Scott, when's your next vacation?!?!?!?

Why can't they just leave things alone?

Why oh why is the NAACP bothering with Donovan McNabb? From what I read this morning, it was something to do with the style of his play. Let the man recover from his surgery and let him focus on next year's season. Donovan is one of the nice guys out there in the NFL. He doesn't run his mouth like one of his former teammates. He tries his best for his community, team, and family. I've had the pleasure of watching him at Syracuse University when he played basketball along with football. Donovan is a true teammate and leader. Is it because he is one of the nice guys that he was booed when he was picked up in the draft? Is it because he is one of the nice guys that the NAACP now after him? Just pure utter annoyance!

Addictions

(in no particular order)
Chocolate-peanut butter-oatmeal cookies
Scott
Love
Animals
Sex

Weather

It's cold. Very cold and I hate it!!!!! Now I shall picture myself sitting on a nice sandy beach in Maui. That's better-slowly warming up now.

Committment

It's something that should be cherished. Something that should be held sacred. Because of that, I'm gonna stop looking. Stop looking at the mystery of the past. Stop trying to understand why and who. All I can ask is that the past stops looking also. There is nothing here to understand. Nothing for the past to grasp their hands on. The past made it the past. Let the present and future work together and move on with their lives.

Reflections

Holiday seasons especially New Year's are the time to reflect on the past year and sometimes your life. For the past year, I've been thinking about where I was a year ago, 3 years ago, etc. 3 years ago, I was getting ready to get married. 1 year ago, I was out after years of screaming, crying, feelings of betrayal, and being lied to. The past year has been a year of tremendous growth for me. I've decided to get out of the vicious 4-some that I was in and agree to take care of number one-me. I found out a little bit more of who I am and what I deserve and want in life. Without that time to figure that out, I would not be able to be where I am now-with Scott, enjoying life, focusing on the positive, and focusing on my future.
Others reflect after horrible break-ups, especially about where the hell they went wrong in their life. Remember, just because you might have fallen for the wrong one, doesn't mean that you are all bad. You made a mistake. Learn from that mistake and move on. Every experience is a learning experience. Don't waste the time thinking what if, especially about former lovers who have moved on with their life.
If I didn't have the experiences that I had with Jeremy, I would never have been strong enough to move on and take care of me. I would never be able to get past the suicidal thoughts, gestures, ideations. I would never be able to love like I do. I wouldn't have been able to feel what I feel and how I feel-whatever the emotion. Jeremy taught me that I always need to concentrate on me and to never settle for whatever seems to fit at the time. That's exactly what I did with Jeremy-I settled. At the time, I was bouncing and I was sick and tired of bouncing. The good thing about that bouncing is that I learned that all it did was bring me down to a level where death was the only answer I thought I had. I knew that I had to get out. Now don't get me wrong, I still care about Jeremy but not to the point of where I need to interfere in his life or let him interfere with mine. I know that Jeremy and I will never be back to the friendship that we had when we first met-the trust is completely gone. Will the temptation to pick up the phone and call him be there? Of course, but learning what I've learned especially this past year, I know that the temptation will not be that great.
Even now, with Scott, I continue to learn. I learn love. I learn happiness. I learn patience. I learn that I am worthy of this type of love. I learn that I'm lucky to have a man in my life that loves me as much as Scott does. I learn that second chances can happen. I learn that I deserve these happy feelings. I learn how to cope with these unusual happy feelings. I learn how to handle fights differently. I'm not used to someone walking away when I'm yelling. Kinda puts me in my place and gives me time to think about what the yelling is accomplishing.
So reflecting is good and taking the time that is needed to find yourself is warrented.

Woo hoo on a Monday of all days

Well, I didn't get to watch football yesterday because Scott and I went to his friends' Kevin and Clarisa to play games. I had a good time playing Royal Turf (which I won) and Daytona 500 (vroom vroom). When Scott and I came home, we immediately turned on ESPN and checked football highlights. I thought that in our fantasy league I was going to lose to the one opponent who I've actually been beating the whole season. But to my wonderful surprise this morning as I checked the scores, I'm kicking his ass....once again. so Woo Hoo!!!!! Poor Conrad. Just can't seem to beat the big loser of the league. Oh and Scott won his match-up too.
Of course, it's Monday and back to work. It's already been an interesting morning. I get to the building and the alarm is going off and that was 2 hours ago. Luckily I have Howard on and can't hear the alarm from my office. I can only hope that they are actually letting others in the building and that they haven't forgotten about me if they aren't.

Talk about being an idiot

Well, 2 cans of baked beans decided to take a suicide jump from the cupboard but unfortunately for them, my right foot saved their precious tin lives. Unfortunately for me, my right foot swelled up and I couldn't put any weight on it. Unfortunately for Scott, this happened right before I was going to start dinner and he ended up making it (and doing a great job). Maybe kharma was getting me back for getting upset with Scott earlier in the day. Luckily for me, my foot is doing much better and I don't think that it's broken. Luckily for me, Scott and I mended our wounds yesterday and continue to focus on the present and future.

All I can say is...

morning sex is great :-)

Being mushy

For some reason, I've been feeling very mushy gushy today. Maybe, it's because I'm feeling connected with Scott. Maybe it's because I know that I'm in a much better place in my life now. Maybe it's because I just had some good sex with Scott and gave him a lot of individual attention last night. Maybe it's because I know certain people have been checking up on my life. Whatever the case might be, I know that Scott and I are the ones that get the big reward in the end-even when he wants to tease me about it (see Denise's blog).

Well, I survived

I am back in Weight Watchers. It was good to see the secretary again after a year or so. I had gone to this original place before I started attending meetings in Brooklyn. Unfortunately, the leader is still the same and I still don't like her. At least, she remembered me after all of this time. She even asked me if I had any questions which I found surprisingly. Today we spent a lot of time discussing how what might have worked for us in a different time or different situation might not work now. I truly believe that. It made me think back to when I first started (3/11/03). I was in my marriage and felt fairly stable in all aspects of my life. Through the last year or so, my life was turning upside down along with my weight loss plateauing. I had lost about 40 something pounds and felt so great but since the truth behind Jeremy was coming out, my weight started creeping up. Plus my financial situation sucked and still does. I ended up not being to afford going to WW or keeping my gym membership-something that I so enjoyed doing before work. Now I've decided that I want to look my best when and if Scott and I end up married. I want to look great in my wedding pictures unlike last time. In fact, one of those old pictures is really what inspired me to join WW in the first place. So now, I want to reach my goal weight, which isn't too farfetched. I feel that I'm slowly starting to get stable again at least in most parts of my life. So good luck to me!

survey time

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jennifer
Birthday:	May 11, 1976
Birthplace:	Rochester, NY
Current Location:	Brooklyn, NY
Eye Color:	Blue
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	5'6
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Mutt-Polish, French, Welsh
The Shoes You Wore Today:	boots-now Taz slippers
Your Weakness:	right now? loving too intensely
Your Fears:	right now? losing Scott. deep water
Your Perfect Pizza:	chicken, jalapenos, extra cheese, bacon
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	start my writing career
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol
Thoughts First Waking Up:	where are the cats
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes
Your Bedtime:	8ish
Your Most Missed Memory:	don't know
Pepsi or Coke:	diet coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Mickey D's
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	doesn't matter
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	yummy-both
Do you Smoke:	used to
Do you Swear:	everyday
Do you Sing:	yup-and very offkey
Do you Shower Daily:	yup
Have you Been in Love:	yup and I am in it now
Do you want to go to College:	already did
Do you want to get Married:	been there, am willing to do it again
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	I get vertigo instead
Do you think you are Attractive:	sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:	need to be a better one
Do you get along with your Parents:	sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yup-especially with the man that I love
Do you play an Instrument:	used to-clarinet, piano, alto sax
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	don't think so
In the past month have you Smoked:	nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	nope
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	nope
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	nope-but I really want some right now
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope
In the past month have you been Dumped:	nope
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	nope-too cold
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	nope
Ever been Drunk:	hell yes
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	only emotionally unless you call being stabbed by scissors as beaten up
Ever Shoplifted:	nope
How do you want to Die:	quickly
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I have to grow up?
What country would you most like to Visit:	Australia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	any but prefer brown
Favourite Hair Color:	any but prefer brown
Short or Long Hair:	long hair
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	doesn't matter
Best Clothing Style:	doesn't matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:	none
Number of CDs I own:	over 300
Number of Piercings:	4
Number of Tattoos:	2
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	0
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Well, I'm doing it

I've decided to go back to Weight Watchers today and will be going to a 12:30pm meeting. I'm hoping that the annoying leader that used to run the morning sessions on this day at this location will NOT be there.
I've also started to really take my dream of becoming a writer a little bit more seriously. I picked up a journal to write in yesterday and will start it today. I'm not sure what I'm aiming to write about but I'll just see what comes out.

Dreams

I'm currently reading "Chicken Soup for the Writer's Soul" and I've been thinking about trying to get my writing out there in the world. Not that I have anything definite down on paper or on the computer yet but I do definitely have ideas running through my head.
I've had this dream of becoming a writer for several years. I've had some of my poetry published (hey, something that Scott probably doesn't know!) but I would like to get more out and maybe even write a book. A book on what, I don't know. I could do romance. I could do mystery, horror. I already do book reviews for MyShelf and have been doing that for several years now. I also on occasion do reviews for Harper Publishers. I would like to do more and need to get my foot in the door. Do I attempt to freelance to magazines, newspapers, etc? Do I take a copyeditor class so I can get my foot in the door that way?
I still also have the dreams that I had when I entered college-marine biology. I still would love to sit in Maui and research humpback whales but could care less about the physics, chemistry and oceangraphy that I needed to take in order to complete my degree.
I also have dreams of forensic psychology. I actually did a little research on online schools last night while waiting for Scott to get home from work.

Why can't the past stay the past?

Everyone is guilty of it-thinking about an anniversary of an ex love-but the difference is how you handle it. For the last several years, I've had different anniversaries regarding different exes. The only anniversary that I dread is my wedding anniversary-New Year's Eve. Last year, I was with Sal and it was miserable. This year I'm with Scott and I'm hoping that it will be better. I need Scott's strength to get through it and make me forget what I had done 3 years previously. Not that I'll ever forget but at least it won't hurt as much as it has in the past.
Currently, I'm trying to be strong for Scott in dealing with his feelings about his own past and anniversaries. I admit, it's hard, especially with how things went down with him and her. I can understand where his feelings are coming from and it's that understanding that keeps me here, trying to be strong for him, for us. Sometimes I don't understand why they're as strong as they are since she broke his heart. But like, I've been saying since I met Scott, their mistakes and losses, our gain and that is what I keep trying to focus on: our future, our love, our friendship.

Happiness all around

Well it seems like happiness is the tone for most people in my life recently. My cousin Mollie is engaged and is getting married next Halloween in Vegas. I'm thinking about trying to convince Scott to go as I've always wanted to go to Vegas and hey my cousin's getting married....again.
Rick Springfield is on GH. Sigh...Still looking good after all of these years. He has a new cd coming out and will be on tour next year. Wonder if I should even attempt to get tickets for both Scott and I or if I should get them for myself. Wonder if he would sing Jessie's Girl. Now I have that song in my head.
Things are also looking up for Denise. She's in major lust with Eric, the pharmacist. I find her stories about her male housemate the best-he should have held on when he had the chance. I hope that things work out for Denise and Eric. Denise definitely deserves some happiness after this past crazy year.
And of course, things are going back to working well with Scott and I. We've agreed that we're not going to let Nicki interrupt what we have been working so hard on. We're also not going to let any other past ghosts come up and interfer either. It's nice being in love with someone that loves as much as Scott does.
And the best of all, at least for right now, Tiger aka as Mr. Mush is lying on the couch with me.

Sunday

Well just when all hope was lost for my team, they came out with 6 seconds to go to beat the crybabies! 24-23-Go Miami!
Now if my head would only feel normal (whatever the hell that is). Of course with Scott trying to distract me, and succeeding, my happiness regarding Miami can only last for so long.

Fainting is always fun

Please note sarcasm in title. For the last few weeks, my head has been feeling strange. I feel like I want to pass out. I almost did yesterday at work. I had a moment of darkness and weakness. I didn't pass out or anything but felt that my knees were not going to support me. For most of the afternoon today, my head has been feeling icky. Not quite a headache but just some uncomfortable feeling. I could have also slept all day long. Needless to say, I didn't go gaming with Scott tonight. I'm hoping that he's having a good time. Hopefully this feeling will go away.

Numbness

All I feel is numbness

Things I love

Your warm brown eyes
Your soft lips
Your sexy wet look
The feel of your warm hands
The complete acceptance when I'm not feeling my best
Your thoughtfulness
Your nerdiness
Your silly grin
Your long hair
The Queen
Your wanting
Your needing
Most importantly, your love

Competition

How I still wish that Scott never checked her blog. Now she's responded on his. Nothing to major but still...she responded. Why was she looking at his blog? How often has she been looking at it? Did Scott respond to it? If not, will he? If he has, will he tell me her response? See, the trust issues still linger. I've been trying to be soooo supportive of this but it's like I'm fighting a ghost that just refuses to go away, especially when Scott makes comments about how similar our intensity of anger is. It's like Scott buried her and thought that she was six feet under when in reality, she's only about 2 feet under so she can still rise up and say, "look at my blog, see my life." Now, logically, I know that I'm Scott's and that he's mine and all of that. I would have to be silly not to understand that Scott loves me, especially since we're living together. But, I think that the reality of how short this time has been for us (3 months) is finally sinking into him and it kinda scares me and probably even him. We were going to bed last night and he just kept saying that it's only been 3 months. Is it because reality has knocked him upside the head? Is it because it feels like we've been together for soooooo much longer than that? Does it really matter to him how long we've been together? Is he having second thoughts? Especially with her bad breakup? Is he just thinking more and more about her and her vulnerability? The fear of losing him to this ghost terrifies me.
One would think that after dealing with Jeremy and his ex c*%& Donna, I would have learned about dealing with guys and their recent exes. Yes, she broke Scott's heart months ago, but it was really only months ago. Yes, he has dated a couple of others between her and I but was/is he really ready for this? I've at least had a year since I moved out from Jeremy and even longer than that to deal with the fact that my husband's an ass. Yes, I dated others before Scott but I also had the time to deal with what and who I wanted. Chicago was the peak of that time. I came to an understanding that I need to make myself happy, whether it be playing with the family, or making crazy talk while baking, or just lying next to the man that I love and not live my life for no one else. This week has brought up old feelings of the need to be reassured that I'm important to someone. I can't waste my time wondering if she will start calling him again and if she does, how will Scott respond. I keep trying to have the logical side of my mind reassure me but it doesn't always work. Part of the stubborn Taurus side of me is ready for a fight. The fight for my happiness with Scott. The fight of me not losing one of the most important things to me-Scott. Scott has stated that I have an intensity to me. If I have to fight for us, he will really see how intense I can get. I have nothing against her other than she hurt the man that I love but I see how he gets when she's brought up in conversation. He shares an intensity that shows that he still has feelings lingering there, similar to the intensity that I feel when Jeremy is brought up. Feelings of hurt and of trying to understand why she did what she did. Feelings of care and sympathy which are the feelings that I can understand why they are there but hurt to know that they are there.

Wednesday

Regrets?
None
Confusion?
Sometimes
Communication is key and we both need to continue to work on it.
Both of us have ghosts
Can we face them together?
Together being key
Fall/Winter
Both of us have our demons from these seasons
Can we overcome them?
Or are they going to be our downfall?
We've both had dreams that have been shattered
Let's continue to have our dreams
And make them a reality, together
I'm willing to stand at your side
Being your leaning post when you need it
Will you continue to be mine?
I'm willing to fight for us
Never let go
I might have my ways of dealing with frustration, some I'm working on
But never forget that I love you wholeheartedly and that will never stop
No matter where life takes us
I am yours for as long as you want me to be

What to say?

So, I'm having an okay day, especially since Jeremy texted me this morning and told me that he went to court-or at least that's what I can assume. And then I read the blog-Scott's blog and all I can do is cry and wonder. I've been working on my trust issues especially after Jeremy's bullshit with Donna and his lies and betrayal. I figured that, hey, here's a decent guy, no reason to question him or his actions. Let me put 100% or at least 90% of my trust into him, especially since I agreed to move in with him. Now don't get me wrong, Scott's a wonderful guy and I love him, much more than I ever expected to love someone this close to moving out from Jeremy. And I know that he still cares about his ex-especially since he was planning on moving to Canada to be with her and I'm not exactly sure how the break-up went-just that it was horrible. But to read that he checked out her blog, without even saying anything to me that he was tempted to kinda hurts. Yes, he has every right to do what he wants and I want him to continue to feel that way. It's just hard because in the past, when he has thought about her, he has made a point of telling me before anything was published on his blog. Yes, there probably wasn't a good time to tell me since I was on my way home when he posted it but still. I have to continue to work hard on these issues or I'm never going to be happy.
I guess the timing of the whole thing is bothering the hell out of me too. Last night, I went to my union to speak with a lawyer about seeing if I was able to file for divorce since I was the one that left Jeremy and wasn't really doing well emotionally afterwards, especially on the way home. A lot of that is because of me feeling stupid that Jeremy wouldn't continue to lie to me after we got married or that he would even think about calling her after he promised me that he wouldn't. So thanks to this boy, I'm having major issues trusting others. I want to trust Scott 100% but now seeing that he went on her blog and then wrote about his feelings about her loss, I don't know. I want him to feel what he feels and not feel that he needs to keep that part of himself closed. I'm sorry that the situation happened to her but why did he go on there? Why? Just why? Why now?

Thanksgiving

I did end up going to Scott's family's for Thanksgiving after crying, talking, cursing at Grand Central Station. At the moment, I was hating Scott for forcing me to stay and talk or threatening to come home with me to hash the issues out. In hindsight, I'm glad that he did. It certainly has made us more aware of each other and has brought us closer. It also made us commit to each other more than we already were.
On the train to CT, I gave Scott his birthday presents, which he seemed to like and probably can't wait to play. We made it Milford, CT at around 8:30pm and met up with his dad, who took us out to Outback Steakhouse for dinner. During dinner, Christmas traditions were discussed. This year, Scott is coming with me to celebrate Christmas at my parents' home. This will also be the first year that Scott will not be in CT for Christmas. His father was understandable upset and at the same time I feel so guilty that I'm "taking" Scott away from his family. I know that I'm not and that Scott is making that choice all on his own about coming up to celebrate Christmas with my family.
After dinner, we went to his mother's home and talked for a little bit and then we all crashed! Thanksgiving Day was....interesting to say the least. I met Scott's brother, Eric and his stepbrother, Dave (his family) and stepsister, Deborah (and her boyfriend) for dinner. Eric is nice....very very nice and funny in saying goodbye to me. During the course of dinner, I was involved in a discussion with Dave, his wife, Jen (another Jen and another SW) and Deborah about Dave and Jen's son Dakota and his learning disability. Dave and Jen seem to have been trying to find all the avenues to help their 7-year old sweet son but are not having any luck. After that discussion, certain family dirty laundry history came out. This conversation made several people uncomfortable and I kept thinking was "okay, another dysfunctional family and that's fine." I didn't really feel too uncomfortable which I'm still surprised with that. I felt bad for Dave, Jr. and Scott's mother because it was obvious that Dave has lots of issues that he has tried to deal with and Jan just couldn't understand where this conversation was coming from. Scott mostly sat there quiet. I wonder what his thoughts were. By the end of the discussion, things seemed to be a little bit better. Dave, Jr threw me for a surprise when he started saying how much he enjoys talking with me and that I'm lovable and Scott's a lucky guy. I told Dave to tell Scott that and he did about 10 minutes later. Scott just gave me that I know it smile/grin of his. So I guess I'm in with the family!!!!! :-)
Right before dessert, Scott's sister, Lisa came with her family. Her son Benjamin, almost cried everytime he saw Scott and his hairy face. I started feeling bad for him and ended up telling him at some point that our kids won't do that to him since they will be used to it. Scott's brother, Mark and his wife Heather also came for dessert. I didn't really get a chance to talk with them but they both seem nice and I was happy to see that Heather isn't how she comes off.
Dessert went off without a hitch. We celebrated Dave, Sr and Scott's birthdays and Dave and Jan's anniversary. Scott got his dreampie and the chocolate, peanut butter, oatmeal cookies went off better than I expected. I'm craving one right now as I type this. Hmmm maybe I should make some more!
So now, I'm home with royal family trying to figure out where the cold draft is coming from.

Scott's birthday

Today is Scott's birthday and I really wish that I could be in a better mood for it. I'm really pissed off with something that had happened last night and that I ended up waking up in the same pissed off mood. I'm so angry, hurt, and disrespected that I didn't say goodbye to Scott this morning and I really don't feel like sitting on a train next to him going to CT to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And, Scott doesn't even realize that I'm this upset. Great, not the Red Hot Chili Pepper song that he sang is on KRock! DAMN!!!

My miserable Tuesday afternoon

Why is that men better known as boys think that it's appropriate to come up to a woman waiting for a bus and start talking with her and calling her beautiful? Why do they insist on bothering and harassing her when she doesn't respond and even give them the roll of the eyes? This was done to me yesterday on my way crosstown and it didn't stop even when I got on the bus. I just don't get it. What gives anyone the right to keep harassing someone? I could understand if I had said thanks or gave them any indication that I was interested. I was cold, late, annoyed that I had to wait for someone who didn't come on time, and wet from the rain. Why the hell would I want anyone to come up to me and try to start talking with me?

Wasting time

I sit here, eating a really good PB & J samwich, before I have to head downtown for a couple of visits. It's too late to start anything new so now I have to find something to do. Scott is working or just not answering my email. Denise is doing God knows what with God knows who! My coworkers are doing what they need to do. Jeremy can only be harassed so much in a day. I could just leave early in the crappy weather. Maybe that's what I'll do. Get to my visits early and get home to make Thanksgiving desserts before Scott's friends, Morgan and Alice (newly engaged) come over for Don's and games.
Now I wonder why Scott hasn't updated his blog.

Monday morning

I should have known that it was going to be a bad day when darling Boots decided to knock over Scott's stuff at midnight. When I woke up to go to work-I couldn't find something that fit to wear. Talk about me having a fat day. So, of course, I'm pissed off and discouraged. Only reminds me that a year ago, I was 20 pounds lighter. So I'm trying to stay in my office and only come out when I absolutely have to just so people don't see how disgusting I am. I really need to get back on track. Maybe Scott will set up the VCR tonight so I can do a tape tomorrow morning before I get ready for work (HINT HINT) :-). And it looks like I'll be eating lots of salads for the next few weeks-should be interesting for Scott's birthday (Wednesday) and Thanksgiving this week. Maybe I'll go back to Weight Watchers on Sunday. Can you tell I need lots of motivation to get up off my ass and go back? I can't afford to get new clothes. Maybe I'll just start wearing Scott's stuff.
Okay enough gripping about how fat and disgusting I am. So anyway, my day just keeps getting better and better. I get a phone call at 7am from one of my families who tells me that ACS was called on them for basic bs. So now I've been having to deal with that whole saga all morning long.
And to top off my Monday, Jeremy is not returning my calls. I even called his job to leave a message. This is all to find out if he has gone to get the damn divorce already. I really don't want to be sitting at my union's lawyer's office tonight. Especially after dealing with this ACS and school crap.

Home sick

I came home last night from going out with my coworkers after the audit (we did outstanding) feeling sick. I'm assuming that it was what I ate and in combination with the downpour rain. I woke up this morning after tossing and turning all night with my throat so sore that I couldn't even really speak or swallow. So I called out and attempted to go back to sleep. Not easy to do when you can't breathe on top of the pain of your throat. I eventually got up right when Scott left for work (well, started reading his Entertainment Weekly). So I've spent the day watching the Food Network and the Travel Channel plus playing poker on Scott's computer. Now I'm watching The Apartment from Netflix and trying to feel better. I took a nap only to wake up with a shooting pain in the side of my head. Should be interesting if I'm able to sleep after Survivor tonight.

Morning of the audit

Well, it's waiting time for the auditors. I've been here since 6am all decked out in a business suit just waiting for my coworkers to come in and now for the auditors to come so we can start this. Then it's out to dinner with the crazy crackheads that I work with. We are going to a Mexican restaurant-I'm just hoping for good food. There are plans for some to drink to excess-not me. Not this time! I don't need to arrive home drunk off my ass like I've done before at work events. Of course, before I had reasons to drink (mainly husband being an ahole).
So now to continue listening to Shaggy and hang out with the crackheads.

The day before THE audit

Well, it's lunch time here and not many of us are being able to sit down and actually enjoy our lunch. People are snapping at others (mostly supervisors) about paperwork. This is by far the worst that I have ever seen before an audit. Just thankfully I'm done with my stuff and shouldn't have any problems tomorrow. Of course now if I could just get over this sore throat/congestion/headache it would be just fine. People are coming in here with the flu and spreading their nasty germs around so it will interesting to see how many of us show up on Thursday. All I know is that Sex and the City Season 6 is calling me!!!!!!

D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Oh let's let out some screams of frustration out. Jeremy, my damned husband, who has already filed once for divorce has not refiled like he was supposed to. He calls me this morning to let me know that he's going home because he's in pain (yet another excuse) and if he feels better, he'll go to court to file the summons. Now for those of you who have not had the pleasure of listening to me complain about this whole procedure, let me fill you in. Jeremy is one of the laziest people I know and has come up with excuse after excuse of why he has not gone to refile. Now, he has a girlfriend (the damned c*%t) and you would think that he would want to move on since there is no way in hell I want him back after everything that has happened. I'm sure that she also has been harassing him about getting this done since she oh so understands what it takes to be married, especially to that lazy SOB. So why has Jeremy done anything about this? Who the hell knows? All I do know is that he is holding me back from being 100% happy in my life. And, of course, my happiness is soooooo important to him. At least that's what he claims, along with the I still love you crap. Yeah, well, if you gave a damn, this thing would have already been refiled and you would have done all that you could have done over the summer to actually show that you wanted to be a friend. Hell, you never would have made the decision like you made it. Anyone have their spouse's wedding band thrown at them? Anyone have their spouse make a life altering decision on a day where arguments and yelling and screaming are the main course of the day? So now, I need to see if there is anyway that I can file for divorce since obviously he isn't going to do a damn thing about it. But I have a feeling that I won't be able to since I was the one that moved out. Hopefully a lawyer or paralegal will be able to give me some sound advice. Damn that boy!!!

This Weekend Part 2

Scott and I made it to good ole Rochester and Ontario this past weekend. He met the folks and they seem to like him. Added bonus! Friday we headed up there and the trip seemed okay. Mom met up with us at the train station and told Scott to call her Barb (something she never has ever done before) and we headed for home. Soon Dad came home and told Scott to call him Mr. Oliver (something that he has never ever done before). We had a wonderful homecooked meal and then went to go meet up with my high school friends, Jack and Michelle. Scott fit in WAY too well with them. Saturday, Scott and I met up with my girlfriend Tricia and her family for a lunch at Applebee's. Scott kept himself occupied with Tricia's youngest daughter, Elizabeth. It was very cute to watch him. Only reemphasizes the wanting of children with him. Then I showed him a tour of my school's (all of them) and I'm still shocked at how much my high school as changed. We also stopped at Lake Ontario to share some quiet quality time together. We then headed back to my parents' home to then go out with Dad to get some fresh Western NY apples. The rest of the day was spent playing Scrabble with my mom (Scott won) and just relaxing. Sunday was a killer-the train was an hour late getting into Rochester and then we were about 1.5 hours late getting into NYC-not even counting the subway trip home. So....I'm extremely glad that the weekend went well and that my parents like Scott. I'm glad that I was able to show Scott where and how I grew up.

This weekend

Well, Scott and I are heading up to my home town to meet my parental units. Since Scott and I have only known each other since August (face to face) and I've already moved in with him, my parents are extremely cautious about what their daughter is doing. Since Scott and I want to spend Christmas with them, it is appropriate that they meet him before then so hence the trip. Hopefully, we'll also get to see a couple of my friends. I'm also going to be showing him the sights and sounds of my background so hopefully I won't bore him too much. This is probably the first time that I have ever really wanted my parents to meet the guy that I was dating. I guess it's because he makes me so happy and this relationship is truly the right thing. Now if I could just get rid of the lazy S. O. B. that continues to hesitate about doing what he needs to do. I just wish that he would stop with excuses and let me move on with my life. He continually claims that he wants me to be happy. Well, if you soooo want me to be happy, maybe you shouldn't have lied to me in the first place OR made the decision that you made so hastily and the way that you made it. But you made the choice that you made, now grant me my last wish from you.

Working environment

Well, I was all set to write about this upcoming weekend but then my coworker brought in a 8 week old puppy. She is soooooo adorable. She's a tiny Shizsu-terrier mix colored brown and black. It's been almost impossible to do any sort of work the last 2 hours. Will be most unlikely that I get anything accomplished today. Luckily our supervisors and directors are animal freaks like the rest of us.

Mass Transit

For those of you who do not reside in the Big Apple may or may not have heard of the term "straphangers" used while dealing with subways. Well, come to NYC and ride the subway or bus during morning or evening rush hour and you will come to know the term intimately, along with your fellow passengers. Take this morning for example. I arranged my schedule so I could spend some extra time with Scott and took the crowded express train. Well, first let me tell you that the first express train didn't even stop at the station. Grrrr. Well I get on the train and there are a bunch of private high school male students standing in the doorway-gotta love it. At least these were aware that they were standing in the way and attempted to move for people to get on board. So here I am standing on a crowded train holding a pole with about 6 other people. Forget about holding my backpack on my back! Needless to say I never got a seat as I travelled into Manhattan (8 stops). I do my home visits (very emotionally might I add) and then jump on the crosstown bus after stopping to get litter for the royal family. Luckily this bus was not as crowded as it usually is. Also it wasn't running late-another amazing feat for this bus line. I jump on the train to head up to my office and it's crowded. I still managed to find a seat that was far enough away from my fellow passengers but about 2 stops from my office-I'm squashed in. And by guys no less. Sorry guys but none of you have penises that big that you must spread your legs sooooo wide so that the women next to you can't even breathe. Why do guys feel they need to do this? Why can't they keep their legs together just like the women do? Must be that Y-chromosome again. Anyway, I get off the train and then I'm stuck behind these slow ass people on the platform and stairs. I guess they don't realize that there are people behind them and what's worse, is that they stop. Stop right in the way of other people behind them. I don't get it. If you're going to stop, move to the side and stop. Don't stop right in the middle of the way. Grrr! I'm just reminded of why I get up so early in the morning and go into work at stupid time.

in my reality

Wow! I actually beat the first place team in the fantasy football league. I actually helped kick him out of first place-Scott owes me one now that he's in first place. I wonder how he'll reward me!
Now I sit here, in my office or closet depending on how big or small I'm feeling, waiting for the audit. Every year, my program is audited by New York State. Our audit isn't until next week and since before Labor Day, my supervisor and director have been beyond stressed out. We have had several changes happen this year. We've expanded our case load capacity almost by 50%. That expansion means new hires (4 to be exact) and we also got a parent advocate. This year I also became a certified trainer using a new assessment tool which means that I got to go to Chicago in May for a conference and then come back to NYC and have to help train all of my fellow coworkers. Now imagine a whole bunch of social workers being trained in an assessment tool. We have already a lot of paperwork to do and this just adds to the chaos. This tool is to be used to determine if a child meets the level of care of my program. A lot of my coworkers don't like the tool or the fact that is now a requirement by the state. Needless to say this year has been a stressful one. Almost everyone at work is at each other's throats. Makes it interesting to see others getting mad at the same people for the same reasons.
Now we might be getting another expansion of something completely different-something that I would be overseeing. Now I'm looking forward to the possibility of gaining this component to the state program because I would definitely be doing more administrative work which is something I want but I also want to get out of this field and do something different. Not quite sure what-I've always wanted to start writing and definitely try my hand at selling my craftwork. I guess time will tell what happens in life.

Relationships

Struggles
Happiness
Connections
Focus
Decisions
Anger
Smiles
Tongues wagging
Rolling of eyes
Kisses
Smells
Territory
Changes
Family
Defensives
Walls building
Walls crumbling
Want
Lust
Need
Love

Football week #2 in the new home

Well, after a week of not doing much unpacking, Scott and I decided to hold off unpacking for FOOTBALL! Once again, unfortunately, my team Miami lost. At least, I think that I'm doing better this week in my fantasy football league-probably won't win my match-up up but should have more than 50 points.
Not looking forward to work this week-getting ready for a State audit and it's crunch time. Time for stress, yelling, rolling of the eyes, and just wanting to come home and crash.
Now on for the second plate of nachos and the second game!

Reflection

My crazy redneck crackhead cousin, Denise, and I were talking last week about where we were a year ago. I had been thinking that it was a year ago when I took a trip to Florida to help her celebrate her birthday at Disney. I was going through a rough time and moving out away from Jeremy and she was happily involved with her boyfriend Kyle. This year, she's single and I just moved in with Scott. It's been amazing how I don't end up yelling and screaming every night like I used to. It's amazing how I can actually relax at home.
Now I wonder where I'll be next year. Hopefully things will be finalized and I will never have to deal with certain things ever again. Hopefully, Scott and I will continue to be making the positive strides that we have been making. Hopefully, Denise will find that one magnum guy who will love and appreciate her for everything that she is. Then at least I won't have to hear her complain about being lonely and single! :-)

Crafty

Thought that I would take some time to talk about another activity that I enjoy doing. Crafts. I like doing latch hook, needlepoint, cross-stitch, and creating friendship bracelets. I would like to learn how to knit but can never afford the classes or relearn how to crochet. The only problem I have is that it seems to take me forever to complete a project. I need some motivation to actually sit down and complete several projects-most are gifts for friends and family. I should be doing them while I watch movies with Scott or while he is playing his latest game on Playstation but I don't. I sit there and enjoy his company and the royal family's company. Eventually, I'll buckle down to complete something. Maybe I can get someone to remind me that I have these things to do.
And, of course, I've been having the idea of making and selling friendship bracelets running through my head for the last couple of years now. I need to know how to get myself into the door of the business and see how lucky I can be.
Hmmmm...thoughts of today.

Illness

Being sick is never fun, especially when you have had an ailment for several months. You go to doctors and none of them can figure out what's wrong but you know that something doesn't feel right. You get blood drawn and everything appears "normal." You even end up in the emergency room to only have chest xrays done and everything is once again "normal." So what does one do when they have an ongoing pain and has been to several doctors already? For example, I've been having side pains and have gone to a couple of doctors, had the blood drawn, had the xrays and everything is "normal" yet I'm still in pain. I can't keep leaving work early or calling in sick-got to fed the kids and pay the bills. But yet I can't concentrate on my work while cringing in pain. Sleep doesn't seem to help. Lying down or sitting up or even standing seems to lessen the pain. One time, going home on the subway, I couldn't even read I was in so much pain. So what to do? What to do?

Nominee

I'm sitting here watching the news and all the talk is about Bush's new nominee. What the heck is wrong with this country? Who gives the right for anyone to have any sort of control over any other's body? I'm mostly speaking about the right of abortion. Yes, let's bring out the guns. Now everyone has the right to their own opinion and mine is this: No one, especially men, should have any control of what a woman does with her body. If a woman is pregnant and chooses to abort the fetus, that's her choice. Personally, if I was pregnant, I wouldn't give the baby up unless it was going to kill me or the baby would not be born alive. I would not abort it just to abort it. I understand that some people feel that the right to abortion is a form of birth control. Even though there are much easier ways of birth control, that is still a woman's choice...and no one should be able to tell a woman how to take care of herself or her unborn child. Especially a court. I could never understand how it could be considered unconstitutional and that the Supreme Court had to make the Roe vs Wade decision so long ago in the first place and now it's threatened all because of Bush. Bush, a boy who decides to go after a man who threatened his father. Bush, a boy, who I believe never ran this country, only followed what Daddy wanted and what he couldn't accomplish in his only term as presidency. I do not understand how people could have voted for Bush not just once but twice. Now we have this boy threatening to take away the rights of humans. Maybe I should have moved out of the country when Bush became president so many years ago.

Halloween

Halloween is always different to everybody. I've decided to take some time to reflect on my previous Halloweens. I have memories of singing the Halloween song in Miss Reynold's music class in elementary school. Can't forget the dressing up. Several years, I've been a witch. I know hard to believe, Jen a witch. My parents still have pictures of me dressed up being a miserable angry witch. I'll never forget dressing up as the Syracuse University Mascot. Most people thought I was a pumpkin. Then, of course, going out with Michelle-her a broken heart, me a Syracuse fan. I still have that picture somewhere. Don't ask how old we were!
And of course the restrictions of where we could go to in the neighborhood-"don't go past Erin's house and don't go past Stevenson's." And the treats that were handed out. Mostly the favorites-Snickers and other forms of chocolate. My mother was known for making the little bags of popcorn to hand out. Also remember the neighbors who handed out the little boxes of crayons or other non-food treats.
Can't wait for tomorrow-Halloween candy at least 50% off-need some of the candy store in my office!

Football in new home

What a fun Sunday watching football in my new home. Of course, it will be nicer come cable which arrives next week. Woo Hoo, Jen's finally moving up in the world-CABLE!!!!
Finally met Scott's former roommate, Paul-pretty nice guy. Also got to hang out with Matt of the Matt and Lois. Enjoyable day watching football especially since as of right now, my team is winning! Of course it would be nice if I could actually win a fantasy football match-up but I'm just due to lose. At least I'm having fun.

Moving Day Part II

Well, after the movers came 5 hours late (things just never go right when you're trying to move do ther?), I'm here! Home Sweet Home! Just me, Scott, and the Royal Family. The movers are finishing up as I type this. Amazing how even after I've gotten rid of about 50 bags of garbage and recycling, I still have so much crap! Well, here's to my new home and my new committed life!

Moving Day

Well, it's here...moving day and I'm up and it's early. Didn't get much sleep either last night. It's kinda hard when you hear the voice of God skateboarding outside your broken window. And then you have the Prince and Princess sleeping in the way of your feet. Amazingly, my anxiety level is not as high as I thought it would be. Now if I can just keep Boots from jumping up on my lap. Oh to be the Princess. It's just wonderful that she thinks that my leg needs a massage and sticks her little butt in my face. Anyway. I wonder how Scott slept as for the first time since our 2nd date, we chose to sleep apart last night. Of course there was the time when he went to Italy but I'm not counting that time. Here's to making it through the day.

Committment

Well, today's the day before the move. The anxiety continues to rise. I know that this is the right decision and I know that Scott feels the same. It's nice to know that I'm willing to be committed to someone again after a big failure. Or maybe I should just be committed? It's funny how sometimes I'll be thinking about Scott and I'll mistakenly call him my hubby or husband to myself. People at work tease me about have several previous engagements and bets are being made on how long Scott and I will last. If we have our way, it will be THE one for both of us. I am committed to Scott and our animal family and eventually our own human family. It's scary for me to actually want to have a child. I guess it's true that when you find the right person, you change. Mostly for the better. But first thing is first...the move. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and the moving company will arrive on time and it will take little time to move all of my stuff. Then it will be back to the old apartment on Sunday (before football of course) to make sure that everything is gone and to turn in the keys. Then it will to home. Home...what a nice concept. Home. A place where I feel wanted, comfortable and needed. Not a place that is filled with tension like before. A place where I can sit quietly without yelling. A place where I can watch giant scary snakes being slaughtered. A place for the Queen, the Duchess, the Princess, and the Prince. And of course the human court jesters. Can never forget the court jesters!

Ollie's view of Love for Today

Anxiousness
Wanting to greet your loved one with a big hug and kiss
Telling them that you love them now and forever, no matter what happens
Agreeing to work out details no matter how big or small
Looking out the bus window remembering the first trip on the bus, knowing that this is one of the last
Reminiscing the first time you saw the picture and profile, knowing that there was something special
Knowing that deep in your heart, that you are making the right decision no matter how high the anxiety level is
Looking forward to the morning emails, and the text messages throughout the day
Actually agreeing to have child after 15 years of stating that you wouldn't
Knowing that even if your first ends up miserable, this one will last until death do you part
Accepting the differences and cherishing the learning based on those differences
Loving the similarities
Actually wanting to cook and more than once a year
Looking forward to baking again
Knowing that even though the teasing can be harsh, it is simply teasing
Cherishing the wet look that you get to see everyday
The sly and sheepish grin, just for you
The brown eyes that you can't seem to get enough of
The feel of skin to skin, no matter how cold you are

And so I've joined

Well, I've decided to join the Blog world after doing some post's on my boyfriend, Scott's blog page. I'll basically be using this page to share my thoughts, feelings, and whatever else I need to discuss. I welcome healthy debate as long as the debators understand that everyone has a right to their opinion. I hope that you enjoy what I have to say and if you don't, you react in a positive manner.

Now on to what's pending in my life....
I'm moving....yet again. This time, I'm doing something rather different. I'm moving in with someone, where my name will not be on the lease. Crazy? Could be. Anxiety level skyrocketing? You betcha ya. All of the other times I've moved in NYC, I've either moved into my own place or had my name shared on the lease with someone. Now you ask, who are you moving in with. Well, that's rather simple....my boyfriend. Some would still say it's crazy given our short history at this time. But when something feels right, it feels right.
So the big moving day is this Saturday. Luckily, I have a moving company so I'm not forced to carry 1700+ books up and down flights of stairs. Yes, that's 1700+ books (all just waiting for me to pick them up and read their every word). I'm a book nut. Hi, My name is Jen and I'm a bookaholic. I am a book reviewer for MyShelf and have been there for the last few years reviewing all types of books. I also am the First Reader list for Harper Publishers.
Well, that's about all for this wonderful cold Thursday (it is Thursday right) morning. Now off to work!